Received a letter from HDB yesterday (after an appeal made to our MP last month) that they only allow us up to 20th Dec next month for the next key collection date. Failing which, will cost us $2,112 every month after that as a penalty cost.
Seriously?
I'm already having trouble trying to direct latch Adriaan recently. Somehow, I feel my supply has dipped. Not sure what is causing it - stress or not eating proper or both.
Tired beyond words.
Sometimes, I just feel like switching to FM and deny him all the goodness of "liquid gold" that everyone talks about. It's more costly, but so much easier. I don't have to deal with latching him every hour, I don't have to deal with cracked & sore nipples. I don't have to deal with pumping anymore. But that's just selfish. And with the stress with regards to our home mortgage, really, it's not helping at all.
Here I am, seated at the corner of my bed, feeding my son, while staring at his cot right across the room, and then scanning to the right side of our room to his stash of Mamypoko diapers, still left untouched.
Trying to find my sanity back.
My husband went to run some errands and he asked if it's ok to have his hair cut.
"Go ahead. Have some me-time", I replied.
No, I was sincere (if you smell some sarcasm there lol).
He has helped me a lot in managing our little human, I believe he deserves some me-time for himself.
On the other hand, I'm at home, trying to question my existence and ermm asked if we have made the right decision when we wanted to conceive. Kidding!!!
A part of me misses my time with my husband, alone. When I asked him to go ahead and have his own me-time, he replied that me-time is out to the movies with me. Where does that leave Adriaan to right? Lol.
Of course, we have to forego any fancy idea of couple date at this moment now (for a few months at least!) until...errr we really need a time-out to stay sane.
Our lives have changed a hundred and eighty degrees - everything is about Adriaan now. I frequent my Safari visits to Qoo10 and Lazada to buy baby stuff for Adriaan. I wake up at night every 2 hours for Adriaan. Even my eye bags spells Adriaan. Hahaha. Poor me! *cries*
But yeah, who am I kidding! This little human, despite testing our patience with his screeching cries, we still love him big time. I hope he feels it.
It's one of those nights that you refused to sleep past midnight and you wanted milk but you just had your feed. (Don't want to overfeed & cause bloatedness). So you kept on crying and crying and crying and crying for what seems like a million years. Both of us didn't know what to do & had to succumb & gave you the pacifier as a substitute to comfort latch. Wanted to give you the comfort latch which is the human pacifier, but we still chose not to, in case, instead of comfort latching, you go for the milk & might cause your jaundice to come back. :'(
Tonight is the start of making "next best" alternative decisions for you, for your best interest at heart.
Upon reaching the counter at the ward area, the staff nurse congratulated me & verified my identification. I was then wheeled to Ward 81, Bed 17 while they brought my boy to the nursery.
Transferred to the bed with a lot of assistance from the nurse & Mr. J because the aftermath of stitching is starting to surface.
Was told that they needed to take 2 rounds of urine sample - one using a bed pan on the bed, another is on the bed pan, but in the restroom. Was instructed that I am not allowed to walk unassisted for 6 hours after delivery.
Mr. J was all set to sleep beside me since we reached the ward around 4am, but was told that he needed to head home. Lul. Tu laaa, tanak amek A1 class type kan hahahhaha. I kid. :p
The pain of stitching is truly a test seh. I can't reach out for items that were even within 1m radius and had to ask for help. I had to call for help each time I needed something. I felt really handicapped.
But the nurses there were really nice. Alhamdulillah. My first toilet visit was assisted by this Malay nurse who was really gentle. She supported me while I tried to get down from the bed and walked me to the restroom. She didn't even rush me one bit and told me to take my time.
"How long will this pain of stitching last eh?", I asked her.
"Around 3 to 4 weeks..."
I paused, feeling very "fikiran".....looked down at the dry floor tiles of the restroom, and let out a huge sigh.
"*sigh*.......Tanak beranak lagi".
She smiled and comforted me and say that it will get better over time.
That was how I felt at that point of time. I really hated the aftermath of episiotomy. According to Dr. Liu, the stitches are dissolvable (read that it will dissolve by Week 3 postpartum). But can it be dissolved like now now and save me from all these misery?! Haaa.
But anyway, I have to share this miracle of a product.
Epi Kool Pak. This thing is truly God-sent, I tell you! It works like an "ice-pack" to cool your perinium area after vaginal delivery. Works like charm. I even bought 2 boxes from the Pharmacy for home use after I was discharged. Barang baik. It's a MUST have. Note to self if I decide to have a second one. (Eh.....baru cakap tanak beranak lagi. Hwaaahhh....)
I was then brought to rest & it felt like I hadn't slept for ages.......only to be awaken soon after.
"Hello Mummy. Time for baby's feed".
My colostrum has not kicked in yet so the Malay nurse taught me on ways to massage and express. Another unpleasant experience. Remember my latching exercise in the labour ward? I think this time, it was more painful. The stinging sensation of your nips being pulled - made me want to surrender and give up breastfeeding there and then. I was very frustrated with myself.
The Malay nurse motivated me, "Dia memang sakit. Tapi tahan k", as she helped me express the colostrum. I pressed my lips shut and endured the pain. Kept on reciting supplications while at it. Macam over, tapi betul betul sakit.
The nurses & lactation consultant there practise breastfeeding using the football hold style. Every time I breastfeed, I perspired so badly as I tried my best to make him latch and when he managed to do so, he bite - SO. SO. HARD.
Note: Every time the baby's gum bite your nips instead of sucking it, it means he/she didn't latch on properly yet. So you have to re-latch and hope your baby manages to latch on properly. it happens occasionally.
I didn't wanna continue. I felt like a bad Mummy to tap him away gently each time because it was so painful. I ended up with cracked, sore & bleeding nips. I even told Mr. J that I don't wanna breastfeed.
My inner self went, "You giving up too easily lah, girllll"
He reminded me of the big big pahala of menyusukan anak, so I tried again. I tried to endure. Applied the nipple cream I packed in my hospital bag but didn't really work.......
...because each time my nips are left to rest & recover, it's time for his next feed. *inserts heavily crying emoticon*
During my night stay in the hospital, each time I hear the door of the ward open & sound of the wheels streaming in, I prayed a little that it's not my boy coming in for a feed. Yes, guilty for feeling like so. :( But that's how much I fear breastfeeding.
Other than that, food for me was extremely great. So sedap. :p
Speaking of which, everytime I wanted to have my breakfast/lunch/dinner, time tu jugak dia nak his feed... Had to go beast mode/stop eating & quickly attend to my new big boss.
There was once, I was about to have my breakfast when he started crying. Couldn't move much as the stinging pain of stitching could still be felt. Pressed the call bell but nurse wasn't available.
Despite the stinging pain, I lifted my butt off the bed, dragged myself, moved inch by inch, tried to stand up, nevermind the struggle and pain, went to my son & carried him up.....while eating.
The big boss wanted his Mummy to carry him rupanya. Chet.
But I guess that's what defines a mother's love. I have read some postpartum stories of mummies who went through c-section & forced their way down to walk to their newborn. Plus mummies who went through c-section can't walk unassisted within 3 days - at least that was what I heard.
This love - It's the kind of love I never knew I'm capable of giving. Maybe that's why they say a mother's love is unconditional eh?
Tiba-tiba this post is becoming sappy lah pulak haha.
So anyway, I was discharged on the 26th, at 1pm together with the big boss. Alhamdulillah.
We were given a gift bag from the hospital with lots of freebies & baby's gift box from Uniqlo. No flatlays of it because errr... Mummy penat from #mummyduties :/
Motherhood is a new thing altogether. Still trying to sink in into reality that I'm already a mother of one. Being a wife is one, but a mother? It's a whole new different level. Still learning the art of motherhood & that is putting another person's interest before yourself - in this case, is definitely my son's interest. No matter how tired, no matter how painful, no matter how sick you are...your child comes first.
Agaknya this is how mothers are eh? *tears in eyes*
Oklah oklah, to bring you away from all the sappiness of this entry hehe, Insya'Allah I'll be sharing what I packed in my hospital bag vs what I actually used during my hospital stay & what I bought after I was discharged for baby's needs/postpartum recovery. Hoping it will act as a reference for me next time (masih eh "next time"? Niat tu penting. Hahahahahah) so I don't over/under pack.
Uh-oh, back to #mummyduties to my big boss, Mr. Adriaan Shariq.
Warning: Long entry up ahead. Get ready to pop your popcorns!
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"Room 17. Room 17", as my bed past by a few other nurses.
My head was blank at that moment, still trying to register that I was going into labour.
Upon reaching the bed in Room 17, I was told to transfer over. I think my jubah had some blood stains from the VE done earlier at the triage :/
Changed into my white delivery gown, assisted by an Indian nurse there.
Took a selfie with Mr. J while I endured the (mild) contractions. The nurses in the room were also asking us administrative questions like whether we will be taking home the placenta & will there be any cord blood banking.
We initially didn't know whether to take the placenta home or leave it in the hospital for disposal - we (or Mr. J) ended up taking it home for burial.
I was also asked whether I would like any pain relief for my delivery. My heart was telling me to go all out for labour & don't take in any pain relief - konon nak try ah hahahah. But my mind was telling me, "Kau jangan merepek ah. At least take that gas".
So yep, I opted for the gas.
We took some selfies as the nurses were handling all the administration. Contractions were still bearable at this point. Somehow, it felt like the pain was at level 5 instead of 6-7 as I could still joke around with Mr. J.
At around 10, registrations were complete. We had another very pleasant Chinese Missy with us. Gas was by my side but I chose not to use it still. She taught me how to use the gas effectively; breathe into the equipment until the contraction pain is over, only then I may choose to take off the mask. I asked the nurse whether it's a must to use the gas if I can tolerate it. She told me not necessary, but I can use it as and when I need it.
Ditto.
Tested the gas mask and felt that there was...nothing in it. Hmmmm..... okayyy.
Mr. J also asked the Chinese Missy how long would dilation usually take.
"Usually it will open up 1 cm every other hour. But for first time labour, it might take longer. So it depends".
Both Mr. J and I started looking at the digital clock and did some mental calculations.
5 cm dilated at 9 plus with 5 cm left. 10 plus - 6 cm 11 plus - 7 cm . . . "Okay, maybe by 2 am or so", we thought.
Few minutes later, she brought me a cup of water to clear my throat and then left the room, leaving me and Mr. J all alone.
At this moment, I recalled I have packed a bottle of Al-Kurma juice and requested Mr. J for it.
"It's in the ziplock with label 'Mummy's Energy Booster'", I told him. Hehe. My OCD self works best at times like these :p
Here he is, with the Al-Kurma bottle lol.
I quickly down the bottle while the nurses were out. Heard it's able to give us energy while pushing. So decided to try it out.
At 10.40pm, I told Mr. J that the pain is starting to build up.
"Call the nurse", he reminded me.
I totally forgotten all about the call bell, till he reminded me about it. At this point, I still haven't tried putting on the gas to ease the contraction pain. Gungho konon.
Pressed the bell and the nurses came in.
A Chinese female doctor came in, put on her glove & lather some gel on it. You know what this means right? -.-zzzz"""
VE time. Ugh.
The Chinese Missy told me to put the gas mask on as the VE was being done on me. I started using the gas. Did it help? Of course not. I could still feel my kewanitaan/peranakan being blended and drilled. Oof. >:(
She inserted her fingers down south. It felt much more painful than the one the Senior Nurse at the triage did. I got to know from Mr. J she inserted THREE FINGERS! THREE! Not fun. Totally not fun. I even feel like giving her one good flying kick.
"7 cm already", as she took out her three rotary-machine-blending fingers.
Both Mr. J and I looked at the time, and back at each other.
"Cepatnya, wak".
I was surprised as well. That was fast.
*did some mental calculation again*
"If 10.40pm is 7cm, maybe by 11.40pm, it would reach 9cm."
The Chinese Missy then told me she has already called & informed my gynae Dr. Liu.
"She is on her way here. In the mean time, have your rest. If you feel any pain, call us ok".
They dimmed the lights and left both Mr. J and I to indulge in the romantic atmosphere before labour begins lulz. Really.
I even got Mr. J to check out the CTG scanning graph and he told me that for every 2 boxes, the contractions will come.
I also asked Mr. J to test out the gas mask because I really felt like there was nothing in it.
"Takder pa pe je". Precisely!
In between this period, some Doctors came in & asked if I still wanted any epidural, I still can ask for it. I was persistent and declined the offer. :/
At about 11.40pm, I think, the contractions were much stronger.
Pressed the call bell & the indian nurse came in. She put on her gloves, lather the gel on and yes, another VE... arghhhhh, why so many rounds of VE ni.
She waited for the contractions to come before she inserted her fingers.
*digs*
"8 cm already". Banyak kau punya 9 cm hahahaha.
"Let's call Dr. Liu in soon", she told her colleague, the Chinese Missy.
She then turned to me and said, "When you feel like passing motion, let us know".
At 11.44 pm, I started feeling the urge to pass motion lol.
In pain & constipated fashion, I went, "I....feeeeel...like.....passsssingggggg.....motioooonnnnnnn"........
The Indian Missy went, "Ok good. Come, you push", as she lifted up my legs.
I started going, "Erkkkkkk......", you know macam nak berak lolololol. But yes, that was how pushing begins.
Time check - 25 Oct 2016, 00:00 hrs
At about 12.05am, Dr. Liu came in. Greeted us with her warm hello, and asked the nurses on my dilation progress.
Since it was still 2 cm away, she left the labour ward shortly and told the nurses she'll come back later.
At 12.40am, the contraction pain was much stronger. This time, I kept using the gas as a distraction, since it didn't really help. -.-zz
Mr. J saw me breathing in and out in the gas, rather quickly & tried to teach me how to use the gas properly.
"You must breathe in slowlyyyy... then it will work".
I was frustrated - stop talking already. Hahahaha.
But of course, I didn't say that to him. :p Every time he tried to teach me how to use it, I used my index finger and gestured him to keep quiet while I breathe in and out. When the pain was going down, I explained to him nicely.
"I need you to encourage me, dear. Say words of encouragement like 'Good job', 'You're doing well' that kind. Don't tell me how to use the gas pleaseeee. That's all I need from you".
Yes, encouragement is really important, dear men. Don't teach a woman on the how-to(s) during active labour. The pain is something you men can't imagine. Really really lol.
Fast forward to 1 am, the Chinese Missy did another check on me. I was about 8 cm but going to 9.
By this time, I already felt the urge to push/pass motion every now and then. But when the pain was low, I had conversations with the Chinese Missy to distract me from all the pain. To tell you the truth, it did kinda help - much better than using the stupid gas mask.
I asked her questions like,
"Why do I feel like passing motion?" "Because you are ready to push"
"When can I not ask for epidural?" "When you are already feeling the urge to push, which is about 8-10cm. Because once the epidural has been administered, it will take about an hour for the epidural to wear off. It will sort of slow down labour because the mummy needs to feel the urge to push".
"Can I use the gas when I push?" She smiled and said, "I don't think you would like to use the gas when you push. You would be so eager to push your baby out".
She then told me that I was brave not to opt for epidural.
"My friend was even brave. She opted for no pain relief". "But that's your friend, my dear. First child or second?" "You mean my friend? Second. She said she would like to experience labour pain as she would like to take a pause from pregnancy until the next one." "Ahhhh usually second labour is much faster. You know, some mums, when they put their mind to it, they are willing to go all out. It's in here (points to her temple). It's all in the mind".
I wanted to continue the pleasant conversations with her because it helped me to relax, but by now, the contractions were much stronger.
My breathing picked up.
I started to recite some supplications to calm myself down but it was wayyyy too painful.
My hands grabbed Mr. J's Man U shirt and pulled him closer. My hands started to hit the sides of the bed. I held the rails of the bed so tight as I screamed my lungs out.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"
It's the kind of scream people do when they let off their frustrations at the beach/at an open space.
Shortly after that, Dr. Liu came in and baby's equipments like its weighing scale, were all wheeled into the labour ward.
"Everyone preparing for the arrival of your baby already", Dr. Liu said, to lighten up the atmosphere. But all I could afford to reply was a dry laughter. Haaa...haaa...haaa...
About 1.30am, I think (didn't bother looking at the time by now), my legs have been lifted up by the Missies to start pushing.
My hands held both my legs, chin down - pressing down on my upper chest and I pushed.
Wasn't allowed to make any "Errrrkkkk" sound. Instead, was told to grit my teeth hard and force allll the strength down at my abdomen. It felt like I was going through a full-dress rehearsal for the first few pushes lol.
Halfway through, Dr. Liu told me that she was going to burst my waterbag and at the exact same time, the Indian Missy went to put me on oxytocin drip.
I could feel the bed getting wet and my contractions coming to me at full force. Pain level: 10/10
She explained to Mr. J, "Sorry. Not that we are cruel. This oxytocin drip will make the contractions stronger so she can push better".
Everytime I push, Dr. Liu and the 2 Missies went, "Some more, some more, some more", while Mr. J went, "Good job, good job". Hahaha. Remember I told him to motivate me instead of teaching me on the "how-to(s)?" Hahaha.
There were 3 major push during every strong contraction.
At 1.52 am, they told me they already saw the baby's head.
Dr Liu went, "Ehh... Quite long ah the hair".
"Long? Many or little?" English berterabur seh.
"You mean thick or not ah? Hmmm average ah average".
All the more I was more than eager to push and hear the baby's first cries. I even went to count together with them, "1, 2, *pushhhhhhhh*"
The Indian Missy went, "You don't need to count. Let us count", but Dr. Liu intervened and said, "Eh but everytime she count, she actually pushed stronger leh".
"Uhh cz it gives me motivation to start (pushing)" ROFL, really.
"Oklah, whatever works best for you. First time hear mummy count with us", Dr. Liu and the rest in the room laughed with her.
Dr. Liu then turned to the clock & made her guess on my time of delivery.
"I think.....you'll deliver at 02:05. What time would you like to deliver?"
"Anytime ah anytime". And the whole room laughed. Lol. Duhhhh.....
Dr. Liu and the 2 Missies then explained the contraction pain to Mr. J.
"It's really painful one, you know. I always opt for epidural". "Yessss, the pain is something you cannot imagine".
Mr. J's reaction was just....a smile. Lol.
So anyway, I started doing more pushes this time round. Instead of 3 strong pushes during each session, I was already doing 4 and 5 major pushes.
"Some more...some more...some more", they motivated me.
Each time my strength started to deplete, I went "Ok stop stop stop, tired, tired". And the whole room laughed again.
"Oklah, stop stop. Let you rest".
The Chinese Missy then took a wet tissue to help me wipe my sweat off so as to freshen myself up.
"Come on, baby. Come out already", I tried to speak to my baby. As though it can hear me already haha.
At 1.58 am, I did my last 5 strong & long pushes. Gave my all. Heard Dr. Liu's scissors went *snip snip*. And felt a gush of weight just went out from me as I heard my baby's first cries.
That's what I have been waiting to hear - Baby's first cries = Pushing's over! *celebrates*
Dr. Liu turned to the clock and it showed, "02:05".
"Eh really leh 02:05! Wah can buy 4D!" Hahah.
My legs turned so soft and tired from all the pushing. I was still shivering.
Dr. Liu then proceeded to deliver my placenta out by pressing my tummy. It was out smoothly. Mr. J explained there were lots of blood :/
They carried my baby up close to me and I took my first look.
"Congratulations.... Please check. It's a boy."
I could only afford a smile, tired (from all the pushing), as I observed him, still crying/wailing out loud.
They took him away for minor cleaning as I requested Mr. J to help me check on all his sifat.
"Tengokkan wak, cukup sifat tak?"
Mr. J was still standing beside me as he took a glance at our baby. He nodded his head and gave me a warm smile.
"Good job, sayang. So brave of you".
They cleaned him up and took his measurements.
"Am I looking sexy in my edited brief?"
He's 2.6kg in weight, 47cm in length. Alhamdulillah.
"Daddy, would you like to take a picture of your baby?" Dr Liu suggested as she started to prepare to stitch me up.
"Go ahead, amek gambar anak kita. I'll be okay here". :)
Dr. Liu injected some anaesthesia to numb me up before she started stitching. Totally felt numb down south. At the same time, the Indian Missy injected my right thigh to relieve my bladder. All happening too fast.
Soon after, they passed me our son to have skin to skin contact. I took a good look at his face, with his eyes opened.
Subhan'Allah. You were inside of me for 38 weeks & 1/8th of 3 days (lol). Is it really you? Hello. <3
Daddy brought himself closer and made his adzan for you. Oh, my soft soft heart..... :')
Shortly after, they took him to wrap him up in his blue hospital swaddler & then passed him to Daddy to carry. Took some pictures of him with Daddy.
Look at him frowning, "Why are you wearing Man U, Daddy? Man U lost badly the night before lah". Hahaha. Kidding, Daddy.
They then tried asking him to latch. Not really a pleasant experience. The first latch was rather painful. But I tried to tolerate and told myself its for the best.
After a short latching exercise (haha) and nurses were done with all the necessary paperworks, I was asked to transfer to the wheelchair with an inflatable donut for me to sit on.
Before I left, Dr. Liu & Missies were repeatedly telling me that I was brave. Uh huh.....had to brave the storm, right? Hurrr.
Moving on to Ward 81, Bed 17....in Part 3. Insya'Allah :)
P.S: By the way, I later found out from my sister that the gas mask should emit some sort of "asap (smoke)" emitting out from the mask. I think our tank wasn't switched on -.- No wonder macam tak effective aje. Chet.
In Mr. J's words, "Maybe thats why they keep saying that you very brave eh?" Lolz. What only.
Your presence has made us reevaluate our priorities in life. Nowadays, whatever we do, we put you first.
We time your feeds. We ensure you have enough. We ensure your clothes are always changed.
Sometimes, we don't even have time for our own food, and change our own clothes.
The first night when you came home with us, both Mummy and Daddy didn't have our sleep. In short naps, we wonder why you cried. We checked your diaper, we check your clothes, we checked what was it that made you uncomfortable. Wasn't easy.
Mummy tried to exclusively breastfeed you because they say breastmilk is "liquid gold". I tried my best, but my limited supply made you dehydrated and you suffered a slight loss in weight and a gain in your jaundice level. Because of that, you had to be sent back to KKH for phototherapy. That's when Mummy had her first drop of tears for you - when Mummy saw you under the blue UV light. I felt the kind of love I never knew will ever exist.
One week later, we kinda knew what's your crying pattern like. You have made it so easy for us. You gave a certain cry when you wanted attention. You gave another type of cry when you're hungry. And your feeding time is every 2 hours. How convenient you have made our lives to be.
Mummy also learned to change your diapers. Hehe. The first time Mummy helped you to change, Mummy was perspiring all over because you don't like people taking off your clothes. Cold or shy? Haha. But insya'Allah Mummy's getting better at it. :p #pujidiri
Your Daddy has been a great help. He sent you to the polyclinic with your nyai during your third day, and yesterday, single-handedly. Mummy followed the both of you at first, only to be proven that Mummy still has not totally recovered and went home halfway. Mummy do'a that your jaundice level goes down. Indeed it went down, Alhamdulillah.
Oh, I asked your Daddy, "How is parenting like?" He explained that it's more tiring than working. Awww Daddy, may Allah repay all your efforts to groom our baby <3. Aamiin.
I hope one day, if this blog ever made it to the age that you'll be able to understand, we want you to know that we love you so so much.
Since I have some me-time, I shall blog about my labour story for memories sake. Hehe.
Gonna split my entries into the following parts. Part 1 : Cramps or Contractions? Part 2 : What goes on in Room 17? Part 3 : Postpartum Recovery in the hospital
These entries may come in staggered parts by itself, if the entry takes too long. Heh.
So anyway, here goes:
Ever since my HDB key collection wasn't successful (more on the follow ups next time), I have been more than eager to deliver once the baby's gestational age hit full term on the 37th week (15 Oct 2016).
The constant back aches, acid reflux episodes, pelvic pressure, frequent urination (the list goes on)... oh, little buddy, make your appearance already!
Did some talking with the little buddy in my tummy as and when I feel some kicking.
"Come out soon k sayang... Mummy's tummy getting tooooo small for you".
24 Oct 2016:
Wanted to do some perinial massage as recommended by Rafs <3. Was alllll gearing up to try and do it since I have already reached my 38 weeks + 2 days today.
"Can't wait to prepare for labour anytime", I thought.
7.30 pm: Wanted to take my evening shower. At that same time, I suddenly felt some cramps. I was trying to reason with myself whether these cramps were indeed contractions since I was having Braxton hicks contractions few days prior.
Had Mr. J to help switch on the water heater because I just felt like having a warm shower.
Best. Decision. Ever.
7.35 pm: Cramps came again.
7.40 pm: Had a feeling to do my no. 2. Turns out no. 2 did happen (hahahah) but shortly after that, the cramps came again, along with a very strong pelvic pressure - it felt like it was opening bigger down south.
7.45 pm: Cramps was felt again during shower. It felt like menstrual cramps this time round, not the kind of cramps you feel like when doing no. 2.
7.50 pm: Cramps came again, stronger. Held on to the wash basin - breathe innnnnn... breatheouttttt.......
7.55 pm: Cramps came again.
Told Mr. J, "I think...I am feeling THE contractions. But I am not sure. It feels like menstrual cramps....... hmmm... maybe we wait? Till 12 midnight?"
He was supposed to report to work at 12 midnight that night.
8.00 pm: A very wonderful warm shower ended. But the cramps were stronger, still bearable, but stronger.
Performed Mahgrib prayers, with cramps coming in in between the rakaats. Was already shaking, can't even recite the supplications properly.
Performed Isya' prayers shortly after, also with the cramps coming in stronger.
Mr. J already made his decision to apply for an urgent leave & told me, "Let's head to KKH".
"What if this is a false alarm? Nanti kena send balik abes tu waste money......"
This girl ah hahahaha. Still thinking abnout saving money, despite the cramps (or contractions).
"No no no. You're already having such cramps like this. We go KKH now. If really have to be sent home, it's okay. At least we know".
"But no darah tau". (You know, signs like bloody show).
"Takper. We go". Ok boss. We go.
Around 8 plus, got a Grab and by this time, the contractions were really stronger. Grabbed Mr. J's hands in the car, breathing innnnnnn breathing outttttt. I think my constant heavy breathing in & out might have made the driver worry that I was gonna deliver in his car lulz (IF indeed I was already having the contractions).
Reached KKH's lobby at 9pm. Walking was already so much slower cz the contractions were stronger - though still bearable. Had to pause here and there, held on to the pillars, and continued walking to the lifts. Saw some stares around us, but peduli apa. Haha.
Such a slowwww and torturous walk, I thought.
Reached the delivery suite at 9.11 pm.
Told the staff nurse (in the picture) I felt some pain and passed my Gynae booklet with my NRIC. She did the registration & told me to follow another nurse to the triage.
Mr. J was told to stay at the waiting area while they did some checks.
While walking to the triage, the contractions came again.
Had. To. Pause. Said sorry to the nurse that was walking together with me.
Upon lying down, she told me to take out my undergarment & placed them into the given plastic bag. She then placed me on the CTG belt for scanning and I was still feeling the cramps. The nurse asked if I wanted any painkillers.
"Ermmm maybe I'll try to endure". Action hero this one.
All I had in mind was, "No lah, don't need painkillers. Just mild cramps; surely can tolerate". Talk macam paham only lol.
Then a Senior Nurse came in.
"From 1 to 10, 1 lowest 10 strongest, how's the pain like?", she asked.
"6-7". I think lah? Like how do you actually grade pain? Haha.
She then asked the first nurse, "Is she already on term?"
"Yes, 38 weeks plus 2".
"Ok, we are gonna do some checks ok".
She opened up the drawer under the monitor, took out a glove, applied some gel on it and I was already having thoughts of "Oh my God. Don't tell me you're gonna do the VE on me now. !!!!"
Ya lah so drama because I hated vaginal transducer, so I can't imagine having human fingers doing a similar job down south.
But grrr, before I could think of anything else after that (like reciting some supplications or anything), she already went down south & told me,
"Ok, open up your legs & breathe in..."
*inserts fingers deeply & quickly*
"Yes good... continue breathing in"
*did some digging*
"Continue breathing in"
*dig some more*
Breathed in super super deep, what else. Pfft.
It felt like a rotary machine was inside of me, doing some blending, drilling & digging into my uterus. Not funny seh. Kinda hated it. No, actually I hated it so SO much! Thinking about it now makes me cross my legs each time. To think that I hated the vaginal transducer; this is worst off!
"Nobody gonna insert anymore fingers on me after this". Of course, wishful thinking on my part.
After she was done, she said, "Ok, VERY GOOD!" *thumbs up* "You are 5cm dilated already. VERY GOOD".
She then took out her two fingers and I saw fresh red blood on her glove areas of the fingers that was inserted.
"Why got blood ah?" (sempat interview)
"It's okay. You're already supposed to show. 5 cm already. Will have blood. Plus we also just did a check on you".
I think the conversation went something like that?
I was already panicking by now. 5 cm? Now? What! So fast?! I am not ready!!
But too late. They already started wheeling me out of the triage and the Senior Nurse (who did the rotary machine digging with her fingers) asked the people at the waiting area, "Ok who is her husband?"
Mr. J was still seated, looking at me from afar & putting his right hand up, like a student in a class when his name is being called up. -.-""" lolol. (He later told me that his reason was because "Mana tahu takleh ikut macam tadi ke". Ok good point noted).
The nurse was really loud, I could hear her telling Mr. J, "Very good! Very good! She is already 5 cm. All the best! Follow them to the labour ward".
I was still not ready. I looked at my phone and the time showed 9.26 pm as they wheeled me into the labour ward.
Phew, I thought I would have given birth by now, ever since my 26-weeks-bleeding-episode (which didn't make it to my blog entry).
Ok. Maybeeee I'll share with you a brief background of it.
Long story short, when I was warded for observation due to the bleeding, the panel of Doctors worry that I may deliver the baby prematurely then. I had to sign some admission documents which consists of some medication to mature the lungs of the baby and so on - didn't happen. Alhamdulillah. But since it's my first pregnancy (well, sorta - that ectopic one doesn't count), they had to give the benefit of a doubt and place this case separately of what it usually is. Reason for the bleeding according to them is that my cervix lining seems raw i.e. soft, and that my cervix is shorter than usual? But anyways, all is well - no more bleeding after that.
So my appointment day came last Thursday, marking my 37 weeks & 5 days.
My Gynae greeted me with a warm "Hello, how are you? Good?" and moved on with the norm.
- Had a vaginal swab done the last visit to test for GBS.
Result: GBS negative. Alhamdulillah.
- Had my scan done & baby's estimated weight was... 2.4kg.
Was a bitttt disappointed. My head was thinking "Alaaa keciknya anak akuuuu... Dah makan banyak-banyak punnn masih kecik".
When I asked my Gynae about it, she explained, "Your baby is on the smaller side..." tilting her head to the image on the screen, and trying to measure it's body again... "But it's okay. You're full term already and usually once the baby hits 2.4kg, we are happy already. It's good enough".
Phew! Asked her is there any way to increase the baby's weight/size, she suggested Durians & lots of Milo (which I kinda stopped taking for a while now - guess I should restart my daily mugs of Milo again soon?)
So yeah, had a bowl of Durian Milk Ice right after appointment.
Got it from KKH Kopitiam - easiest find ever!
My Gynae also added, "Small mummies have small babies. So it's good if your baby is not too big. Any larger than 3.5kg, might result in a Caesar. So some mums have to go through Caesar because their baby is too big".
Sounds like she's either comforting me or she's pro-natural - I'd like to believe the latter. Haha.
Anyway, this reminds me that my niece's birth weight was 2.4kg as well and now she's so berat with babat like Michelin lol, so I guess it doesn't matter that much? It's just the thought of people asking, "Eh... Waktu ngandung tak cukup makan ke?" Ohhh people, you don't know how much food I gobble up during my pregnancy! Lol defensive pulak.
- My current weight: 59.5 kg
Yikes! Hope I don't hit errr... 60kg? The number 5 never once hit my health book pre-pregnancy, much less a 6. But even IF it does (I say IF), I hope it's only for a healthy pregnancy - and not because of excessive fats #toovain
- The fluid in my waterbag is doing great
The keeping-a-full-bottle-of-water-by-my-bedside does help in this department.
- Last but not least, the little buddy is already engaged!
It has already turned head down since my 29th week, but to see from the images in the scan I had last Thursday, it seems that the baby's head is much lower right now. I guess that explains the frequent sharp & painful episodes I had to endure when I walk and the urgent need to pee. But good news right?
On another plus side, I am starting to like my Gynae. Used to think that she was kinda cold but during our recent appointments, she's more jovial and warm. Mr. J noticed it too. :)
She also added some notes for me to take away from the appointment: 1) Labour contractions: "It feels like menstrual cramps... times 100 - you wont miss it".
She mentioned that it wont be a mild pain, so it's recognizable.
"The first few contractions that come, it's about an hour apart. When that happens, you can still time them at home. Only make your way to the hospital when it's about 15 minutes apart. Reason being, it's your first labour, so usually, the time of labour will be very long. It will result you in staying in the hospital for a verrrry long time....it will bore you." 2) Waterbag burst: "Of course when your waterbag burst, immediately - to the hospital. But you still can have some time to shower and head to the hospital", she laughed a bit after that.
Well, of course I would have my shower first, right?
3) Baby's movement: "As long as your baby is moving actively as per normal, using your instinct as a mum, it's good enough. You would know the pattern of the baby's movement by now. We used to tell mummies to count the x no. of movements in x no. of hours. But it's very subjective."
Penned down these notes on my mind...but really, now I am starting to wonder....
You've been really active at night and as much as your kicks can be painful to boot, I often wrap both my tiny hands on my overstretched tummy and feel you move. Pregnancy with you may not be the easiest thing to go through, but you are definitely a gift I am looking forward to.
Your Daddy has been asking, "When do you think our baby will be out?"
- Is when despite all the trials happening all at one go, we can still perform our prayers together and hoped for the best.
- Is when you do the housework together.
- Is when you look forward towards the birth of your first child, insya'Allah.
- Is when your husband asked you, "Will you want to breastfeed our child?" and when you said "Yes, I'll try", he gave you an assuring kiss & went, "Try your best k. Love you". (Smiled & melted a thousand times over).
- Is when you think of going for a short getaway next year after all of these (trials) are over, and he's thinking the same.
Alhamdulillah.
May not be a big deal to some but I just wanted to jot it down to remember this day. :)
--
In relation to the above note, I haven't watched (and don't think I'll watch laaa cz plot cerita selalu gitu gitu je) Suri Hati Mr. Pilot. I am sure you may have heard of it. But judging from the status in my Facebook feed, my girl-friends, married or not, are gushing over the lead actor's character of being oh-so-romantic & sweet & wonder whether such a man exist. Like I said, I haven't watched so I don't know to what extent is the sweetness of this character that Fattah Amin is playing, but reality check: I am sure every husband has their own kind of romantic language that they present to their better half. It may not be as literal as the one in dramas, but it's the kind of gesture and language that will only be for you. I guess that is more than enough to sweep us off our feet :)
Having grown up in an environment where favouritism is evident (yes, clearly spoken), makes me wonder whether I'll be the same next time.
I'm not a parent of one yet, so I can't speak for two (or more). But it does make me wonder. Even though we always hear parents say, "I love my children all the same", but is it really? How many times do we observe & notice how different the kind of treatment each child receive from our parents? Or say from other parents who has young children?
Eg.
Child A shows tantrum, parent reprimands.
Child B shows tantrum, same, if not worst, parent keeps quiet.
And then there's also an argument raised that the reason the treatment(s) is/are different is due to the fact that not all children are the same - aligning all our fingers altogether; they are not of the same length. Every child is different.
Eg.
If we reprimand Child A, the child might understand the seriousness of it & don't do it again.
If we use the same technique on Child B, the child might be more rebellious. Hence, this technique doesn't work on the child. A friendlier approach works better.
Is this how parenting works?
But how would Child A then feel on the different treatment he/she receives?
He/She might start to develop ill-feelings towards his/her sibling & start to feel that the parents are not being fair.
Farfetched huh? Belum give birth, dah fikir macam-macam. Lol.
Had a discussion with Mr. J on this and he said, "Alaa kita just redha, and accept life as it is".
So I guess....at the end of the day, the child has to learn and adopt this (matured) mentality someday and redha that life is just as it is huh? Haha.
Well, let's just say I'll experience it myself first hand in the future when I have two (or more) of my own. Insya'Allah.
But seriously though, just curious: Do all parents have a favourite child secretly? Hmmm...
Received some news from HDB the other day with regards to our appeal. Not so great, but I'll leave that for another entry (note: already drafted).
To distract myself away from all the recent negativities, I made a loooong list of to-do(s), and finished only two so far - ironing a week's worth of clothes & Mr. J's uniform plus putting in my hospital essentials in ziplocks & labelling them into categories. Feeling so proud of myself but come on, baru dua chores je dah penat. (What third trimester does to you). Alone times like these when Mr. J is having his day shift(s) are great, because I get to take my own sweet time & do my chores as and when I want to. Not that with him around is bad, but most of the time, we'll end up watching downloaded movies together (and maybe sleep away lol). So unproductive. Lulz.
Braxton hicks has been really strong of late & I think...my mucus plug has been slowly discharging itself from my system every other day. No obvious bloody show so far, which made me researched a bit about it and mummies who shared at forums also mentioned that you don't necessarily need to have a bloody show to be in labour. I seeee....
Speaking of which, I don't really like it when Mr. J is away for his night shifts because what if contractions come in realllly strong in his absence? I cannot be manja and step nak pengsan all hahahahha. Kidding. Well, we have placed all the important stuff at the corner of our room, all packed and ready to be brought to hospital. He has briefed me on what to bring & who to call first when it happens. But please please pleaseeee, hopefully he's around when it happens - not because I nak manja manja, but I can't imagine being alone at such a timing.
Anyways, we have passed the 37th week mark, Alhamdulillah. You can make your appearance already, little buddy. You will no longer be dubbed a premature baby anytime from now :) So excited to meet you already, insya'Allah. In other words, cepatlah keluar.......my petite size can't handle you anymore!
We were told that we couldn't get the keys to our unit....... -.-zzzz Surprise, surprise.
After alllll the hard work & effort eh!
Bear with me as this is not the "usual" key collection procedure that you normally get to read. I'll be sharing the problems we faced and hopefully you can gain some knowledge or two with regards to this.
Here's what happened:
- Reached HDB Hub at 12.07pm (Appt was at 12.15pm)
- Got the Queue number
- Went in and met the Sales Officer (not our OIC), and the kakak sales did some keying of figures into the system and raised this question subsequently to Mr. J, "Your wife is not working right now?" *swings the red flag everybodaye*
She kindly told us that following our current monthly household income, we would need to top up a shortfall of $384 every month. Which, we were fully aware of and okay since we have done our financial calculations and have sufficient savings every month for this shortfall. Plus, this shortfall doesn't quite matter to us, since I would be going back to the workforce insya'Allah after I have delivered. Kira few months kita bayar this shortfall with GIRO, and once I have started working, my cpf contribution can be used to cover this shortfall of $384. No biggy right......? Or so we thought.
Here comes the twist:
Kakak sales said that this amount of shortfall has to be paid via CPF only, through our total monthly CPF OA Contribution. The GIRO option mentioned in this entry here is available only if both of us are currently working, yet the total CPF tak cukup to pay the monthly HLE repayment amount.
i.e. Husband is employed with CPF Contribution while the wife is a self-employed with no CPF Contribution, but able to prove with an income tax. eg. Property agent and the likes
Well, unless Mr. J's income alone could make up the same total household income as we had back then.
Eg.
Description
AMOUNT
Applicant 1 income
2,000.00
Applicant 2 income
2,000.00
Total Household income in 2014
4,000.00
Description
AMOUNT
Applicant 1 income
4,000.00
Applicant 2 income
-
Total Household income at the point of key collection
4,000.00
...which ermmm, doesn't make sense. Nobody gets a salary increment of 200% within a span of 2 years. Unless dia kerja coolie then tiba-tiba join politics and become a Minister ah. But that is besides the point. The point is, our HLE amount needs to be reassessed since there is a decrease in our monthly total household income at the point of key collection.
Just like what we thought about previously.
If that's the case, why did HDB conveniently approve the loan and mislead us kan?
Kakak sales said HDB would assume that there's no change in our income status & give us the same loan amount. Unless we would like to request for a higher loan, then they would reassess - subject to our monthly total household income. In her words, no less "Dorang selalu shortcut. Tapi waktu collect kunci, we will look into your income status. And if there's a decrease, we would need to reassess the loan accordingly. Kalau tak cukup, kena appeal for higher loan".
Kakak sales also told us that HDB would use the CPF contribution of the last 3 months (at least) to assess the loan credibility. Meaning, I need to be working for at least 3 months for them to assess and provide the new loan amount. So many numbers, so much headache.
Kakak sales also told us that she would also prefer to grant us the key collection, but only if our OIC approves this & "willing to take this responsibility". But neh, the OIC doesn't wanna put her name on the line. Ok lor.
Given our "challenging" situation, she directed us to meet up with the COS (Loan) department to appeal - which we went after lunch.
At this point, Mr. J was already pissed with how things were. I tried to be "the water" and reminded him to husnudzonbillah and prayed for the best. To be honest, I was already really really upset. Disappointed. And all other mixed emotions. But I didn't want all these negative emotions to get to our head else we couldn't think rationally and might end up being angsty later on when we meet up with the COS officer :/ So let's avoid that.
During lunch hour, Mr. J and I had a discussion over this shortfall. We thought of two "options/scenarios" that might solve/salvage this financial shortfall that we are currently in.
Option A: Appeal to HDB & prove that we are able to come up with the $384 in cash every month to pay via GIRO, until I have found myself a job very soon (insya'Allah) and able to contribute to the shortfall with my cpf. Option B: Request/Appeal for a deferment for 6 months & find a job while at it. 3 months of "self-maternity" leave (or less - whichever works best) & 3 months of work to kickstart the CPF monthly contribution all over again. Just enough time, insya'Allah.
Sounds like a plan.
Lunch hour ended, and we met with the COS Loan department's Duty Manager to explain our situation. Didn't catch his name but we sincerely liked how he attentively listened to us explaining our situation & tried to provide us with solutions (even though he went "by the book").
- He assisted us with an appeal for a deferment
- He assisted us with an appeal for a higher loan following our current monthly total household income based on only Mr. J's income (which is impossible ah, since we already buat homework kan. But ok, we proceeded to try anywayssss)
- He also took note that I will be due soon & informed us that we can notify HDB asap once I have found myself a job. (He kindly included this in the appeal).
We checked with him whether it was possible to prove that we can come up with this shortfall financially and pay via GIRO - you know, just trying our luck. He mentioned that we are talking about 25 years of loan, which is not a short period of time. So even if we can prove to HDB that we are financially able to right now, it can't be certain that we are able to do so for the next 25 years - along with the baby in tow. Okay...
We also checked with him if the HLE amount would increase if our total household income increases (comparing against our combined household income back in 2014), he replied nope. HDB will provide us with the loan amount just enough of what we need. Well, you can never know the funny grey fineprints HDB might have. #justbeingkiasu
The whole process of appeal & approval (if possible aamiin) would roughly take about 2 weeks or so. Noted. So now we wait......for another 2 weeks......hais.
In conclusion, here's a summary of the knowledge to share, learn and & take away from our unfortunate key collection event that happened yesterday:
- For key collection to go smoothly like every other Singaporean couple, both husband and wife MUST be working, unless either one of the spouse's income (read: CPF Contribution) alone is enough to pay back the monthly HLE repayment amount
- Connecting to the above point mentioned, do also ensure that there's no decrease in the total household income between the time the HLE was first approved, to the point of key collection
- The GIRO cash top up option is ONLY applicable if both husband and wife is working, yet the total CPF isn't enough to pay for the monthly HLE repayment amount. No such thing as one person working, and the other is at home goyang kaki, lutut dan anggota-anggota badan sewaktu dengannya, and top up the shortfall amount by cash (GIRO).
- HDB assess the loan credibility using the CPF contribution of the recent 3 months
The only consolation while we were out yesterday was registering our admission paperwork in KKH after the appointment. Glad that we at least got that settled after procrastinating it for days.
Speaking of which, since dah nak kena carik kerja dalam masa terdekat ni, it may seem ridiculous to look for a job while serving confinement. But I was thinking of cutting my self-maternity leave period short and start working hopefully by Dec/Jan. Hopefully by then the job market has picked up. Aamiin aamiin aamiin.
We also need to consider on the care & well-being of our newborn once I have started working. :( Couldn't hold back my tears & broke down at night partially cz of this. Baru satu bulan je dah "kena tinggal". But no choice; Mummy has to find a job, dear. My mum is definitely out of this equation of babysitting as she has openly declared that she wouldn't want to babysit any of her grandchildren even way before any of her children got married. Well noted, mum. My MIL on the other hand, is okay to help out but I wouldn't want to trouble her in any way possible. I am sure our newborn would be in great hands under her care, but caring for a newborn isn't that easy especially since my MIL is no longer young too. Their cries, their constant feeds, their spit ups.
When push comes to shove and we have to resort to sending our newborn to infant care, then no choice :( That would mean an additional financial liability, but like I said, no choice.
To be researched: Does infant care accepts baby enrolment as early as 1 month old?
In all seriousness, hidup ni ada naik ada turun. Kadang-kadang dengan adanya masalah, kita boleh matang. Kadang-kadang dengan adanya masalah, kita boleh dekat dengan Allah. Yang penting, kita mesti usaha & do'a. Minta yang terbaik. We can't expect family to help us, cz they wont. Masing-masing ada keperluan/masalah sendiri. I know at this juncture, I am mostly to blame since I was the one who stopped working, and yes, fingers were pointed towards me for my actions. But little did they know that even if I have stayed, it wouldn't be long - the very small company that I was working for was already looking for employees to let go. What better way than to let go a mother-to-be that would only incur extra expenditure for the 4 months of maternity leave right? Sigh. Biting the bullet right now.
In a nutshell, as husband & wife, we have to help & support each other cz nobody else will. On top of that, we have to husnudzonbillah always. And always, always, have each other's back during tough times.
Tough times don't last. Tough people do.
To better times ahead. Aamiin.
