Loss of friendship

You know the friends that you used to hang out with, back when you were in Secondary school...or Polytechnic... maybe even in University (if you have been into one).

Once upon a time, you were so so close because everyone of you have a common goal and that is to study and graduate and then move on to the next phase of your life. There’s a common interest between your group of friends.

And then you slowly transit yourself into Adulthood. Everyone has their own career, got married, build their own family and not forgetting having an extension of family (read: in-laws). Simply said, your priorities shifted. Everyone is no longer available at any given time because of commitments.

But how far can these friendships that you once have “pass” the test of time?

Everyone is slowly drifting away......and just like that, you’re not close anymore.

I don't know.

People are naturally thinking for themselves and if they/we feel that others are not putting them as a priority, no matter what the reason, the relationship will somehow die down after some time.

Eg. Whenever I told some of my friends that I can't hang out because we need to be at the hospital for my MIL or that I need to rest over attending an event (hey sometimes we need to prioritise ourselves you know), you can feel the feeling of upset in their reply or the expected "Oh" because they had a feeling you're gonna cook up some "excuses". But if your friends don't understand your situation and take it with a pinch of salt by understanding, is the friendship still worth pursuing?

Hmmm...

Motherhood

I sit at the corner of my room, staring at the blank wall right in front of me as angry tears streamed down my face. Is there a manual specially for Motherhood?

My patience runs thinner by the day.
I don’t know what I’m doing.

He cries.

Is it the diaper?
Is he hungry?
Is he asking me to play with him?
Is he colicky?

Checked.

He is still crying.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

And then I sobbed… because I think I have failed as a Mother.

He stopped crying…

He listened to me sobbing. Crawled over and let out a laugh, probably thinking I was making funny noises for him.

I stopped crying after that laughter.

At the end of the day, when it works – it works.

But…
I still don’t know what I’m doing.

Do you?

It's been more than a year

It's 3:29 am and I finally managed to sneak out of my room to do up this entry. At such an hour, ikr... Haha.

Just an hour ago, while I was tossing and turning on my bed (no thanks the final trimester's uncomfortable sleeping positions problems), as usual, I browsed through my phone apps and decided to check my mails - work mails, personal mails... Usually it's just one of those subscribed mails that I end up deleting anyway. But yeah, 2am seems like a good time to do housekeeping haha.

One of the subscribed mails I received would be the one from JobStreets and instead of deleting it off immediately like what I always do, I opened the mail, scrolled the job listings since (I had all the time in the world to do it), and then...deleted it off, lol.

Not like I can apply for any of this anyway, I thought.

Truth to be told, there are times that I do miss being "useful" and "needed" at work. Rushing for deadlines, learn something new. It gives you the adrenaline rush and satisfaction once you completed the task at hand.

But of course, I don't want to fall into the complaining trap that being a Stay-at-Home Mum (SAHM) is all boring and depressing. (Well yes, there are times where we fall and crumble, but we must always remember to get back up :))

Comparing to those times that I work full time, I find that I have more family time and that I can plan my own time, especially since Mr. J is working on shifts.

Like the other day, I needed to run my errands to get ribbons and flowers for my clients' trays - we could do so on a weekday afternoon where the train is less crowded.

I can also witness Adriaan's milestones.

Like how the other day, he surprised us by adjusting the food's orientation in his hand. We do a mix of feeding him and baby-led weaning (BLW). So for those food that requires feeding, like rice with meat, I will feed him, and those that allow him to have a hold and explore the texture of the food, we let him have a go at it.

He was sitting quietly and enjoying this plain bread that we passed to him. Instead of putting the whole bread into his mouth, he tore it in bite sizes and inserts them into his mouth. Sure, the bread crumbs fall all over and messed up the place lol, but to witness him doing so, is an amazing feeling. He probably picked that up from those times that we tore his bread into bite sizes and feed him.

He also learned to adjust the orientation of the food once the surface of the food visible to him (in his hand) is no longer there. He would put the food down, pick it back up with his thumb and index finger and then back into his mouth. Children are really smart (if we allow them the space to do so)! :')

So yeah, back to where we were, one of the things that I do to keep myself feeling productive and happy is to have a to-do list at the start of the day and then tick those that I managed to complete and celebrate a little by having rests in between/have a favourite snack/play Bubble Mania. Haha.

I guess being a SAHM pretty alright... if given some me-time to have a "short escape" once in a blue moon hahahhaaha. Well, all of us actually do need a me-time every now and then to pamper/reward ourselves. And I'm already thinking what to do this coming week as we speak :)

Perhaps purge the refrigerator?
Start packing the hospital bag?
Start packing our items into the empty boxes - for moving (oh, we wont be moving to our new place so soon insya'Allah)
And of course, finish my work :)

I guess that sums it up; being a SAHM is not so bad after all.

Alhamdulillah.