What a timing

This isn't helping at all.

Received a letter from HDB yesterday (after an appeal made to our MP last month) that they only allow us up to 20th Dec next month for the next key collection date. Failing which, will cost us $2,112 every month after that as a penalty cost.

Seriously?

I'm already having trouble trying to direct latch Adriaan recently. Somehow, I feel my supply has dipped. Not sure what is causing it - stress or not eating proper or both.

Tired beyond words.

Sometimes, I just feel like switching to FM and deny him all the goodness of "liquid gold" that everyone talks about. It's more costly, but so much easier. I don't have to deal with latching him every hour, I don't have to deal with cracked & sore nipples. I don't have to deal with pumping anymore. But that's just selfish. And with the stress with regards to our home mortgage, really, it's not helping at all.

Kinda hate being in my own shoes right now. Sigh.

*resumes looking for jobs*

Someone, just hire me please? #desperate

All about you

Here I am, seated at the corner of my bed, feeding my son, while staring at his cot right across the room, and then scanning to the right side of our room to his stash of Mamypoko diapers, still left untouched.

Trying to find my sanity back.

My husband went to run some errands and he asked if it's ok to have his hair cut.

"Go ahead. Have some me-time", I replied.

No, I was sincere (if you smell some sarcasm there lol).

He has helped me a lot in managing our little human, I believe he deserves some me-time for himself.

On the other hand, I'm at home, trying to question my existence and ermm asked if we have made the right decision when we wanted to conceive. Kidding!!!

A part of me misses my time with my husband, alone. When I asked him to go ahead and have his own me-time, he replied that me-time is out to the movies with me. Where does that leave Adriaan to right? Lol.

Of course, we have to forego any fancy idea of couple date at this moment now (for a few months at least!) until...errr we really need a time-out to stay sane.

Our lives have changed a hundred and eighty degrees - everything is about Adriaan now. I frequent my Safari visits to Qoo10 and Lazada to buy baby stuff for Adriaan. I wake up at night every 2 hours for Adriaan. Even my eye bags spells Adriaan. Hahaha. Poor me! *cries*

But yeah, who am I kidding! This little human, despite testing our patience with his screeching cries, we still love him big time. I hope he feels it.

Do you, Adriaan?

"No, mummy. I am only thinking of milk". 

Okayyyyy...

Oh, parenting.

It's one of those nights that you refused to sleep past midnight and you wanted milk but you just had your feed. (Don't want to overfeed & cause bloatedness). So you kept on crying and crying and crying and crying for what seems like a million years. Both of us didn't know what to do & had to succumb & gave you the pacifier as a substitute to comfort latch. Wanted to give you the comfort latch which is the human pacifier, but we still chose not to, in case, instead of comfort latching, you go for the milk & might cause your jaundice to come back. :'(

Tonight is the start of making "next best" alternative decisions for you, for your best interest at heart.

Labour Story - Part 3 : Postpartum Recovery in the hospital

Finally, Part 3!

If you need a recollection of what happened previously, you can click here for Part 1 & here for Part 2.

Moving on to Part 3....

Upon reaching the counter at the ward area, the staff nurse congratulated me & verified my identification. I was then wheeled to Ward 81, Bed 17 while they brought my boy to the nursery.

Transferred to the bed with a lot of assistance from the nurse & Mr. J because the aftermath of stitching is starting to surface.

Was told that they needed to take 2 rounds of urine sample - one using a bed pan on the bed, another is on the bed pan, but in the restroom. Was instructed that I am not allowed to walk unassisted for 6 hours after delivery.

Mr. J was all set to sleep beside me since we reached the ward around 4am, but was told that he needed to head home. Lul. Tu laaa, tanak amek A1 class type kan hahahhaha. I kid. :p

The pain of stitching is truly a test seh. I can't reach out for items that were even within 1m radius and had to ask for help. I had to call for help each time I needed something. I felt really handicapped.

But the nurses there were really nice. Alhamdulillah. My first toilet visit was assisted by this Malay nurse who was really gentle. She supported me while I tried to get down from the bed and walked me to the restroom. She didn't even rush me one bit and told me to take my time.

"How long will this pain of stitching last eh?", I asked her.

"Around 3 to 4 weeks..."

I paused, feeling very "fikiran".....looked down at the dry floor tiles of the restroom, and let out a huge sigh.

"*sigh*.......Tanak beranak lagi".

She smiled and comforted me and say that it will get better over time.

That was how I felt at that point of time. I really hated the aftermath of episiotomy. According to Dr. Liu, the stitches are dissolvable (read that it will dissolve by Week 3 postpartum). But can it be dissolved like now now and save me from all these misery?! Haaa.

But anyway, I have to share this miracle of a product.

Epi Kool Pak. This thing is truly God-sent, I tell you! It works like an "ice-pack" to cool your perinium area after vaginal delivery. Works like charm. I even bought 2 boxes from the Pharmacy for home use after I was discharged. Barang baik. It's a MUST have. Note to self if I decide to have a second one. (Eh.....baru cakap tanak beranak lagi. Hwaaahhh....)

I was then brought to rest & it felt like I hadn't slept for ages.......only to be awaken soon after.

"Hello Mummy. Time for baby's feed".

My colostrum has not kicked in yet so the Malay nurse taught me on ways to massage and express. Another unpleasant experience. Remember my latching exercise in the labour ward? I think this time, it was more painful. The stinging sensation of your nips being pulled - made me want to surrender and give up breastfeeding there and then. I was very frustrated with myself.

The Malay nurse motivated me, "Dia memang sakit. Tapi tahan k", as she helped me express the colostrum. I pressed my lips shut and endured the pain. Kept on reciting supplications while at it. Macam over, tapi betul betul sakit.

The nurses & lactation consultant there practise breastfeeding using the football hold style. Every time I breastfeed, I perspired so badly as I tried my best to make him latch and when he managed to do so, he bite - SO. SO. HARD.

Note: Every time the baby's gum bite your nips instead of sucking it, it means he/she didn't latch on properly yet. So you have to re-latch and hope your baby manages to latch on properly. it happens occasionally.

I didn't wanna continue. I felt like a bad Mummy to tap him away gently each time because it was so painful. I ended up with cracked, sore & bleeding nips. I even told Mr. J that I don't wanna breastfeed.

My inner self went, "You giving up too easily lah, girllll"

He reminded me of the big big pahala of menyusukan anak, so I tried again. I tried to endure. Applied the nipple cream I packed in my hospital bag but didn't really work.......

...because each time my nips are left to rest & recover, it's time for his next feed. *inserts heavily crying emoticon*

During my night stay in the hospital, each time I hear the door of the ward open & sound of the wheels streaming in, I prayed a little that it's not my boy coming in for a feed. Yes, guilty for feeling like so. :( But that's how much I fear breastfeeding.

Other than that, food for me was extremely great. So sedap. :p

Speaking of which, everytime I wanted to have my breakfast/lunch/dinner, time tu jugak dia nak his feed... Had to go beast mode/stop eating & quickly attend to my new big boss.

There was once, I was about to have my breakfast when he started crying. Couldn't move much as the stinging pain of stitching could still be felt. Pressed the call bell but nurse wasn't available.

Despite the stinging pain, I lifted my butt off the bed, dragged myself, moved inch by inch, tried to stand up, nevermind the struggle and pain, went to my son & carried him up.....while eating.

The big boss wanted his Mummy to carry him rupanya. Chet.

But I guess that's what defines a mother's love. I have read some postpartum stories of mummies who went through c-section & forced their way down to walk to their newborn. Plus mummies who went through c-section can't walk unassisted within 3 days - at least that was what I heard.

This love - It's the kind of love I never knew I'm capable of giving. Maybe that's why they say a mother's love is unconditional eh?

Tiba-tiba this post is becoming sappy lah pulak haha.

So anyway, I was discharged on the 26th, at 1pm together with the big boss. Alhamdulillah.

We were given a gift bag from the hospital with lots of freebies & baby's gift box from Uniqlo. No flatlays of it because errr... Mummy penat from #mummyduties :/

Motherhood is a new thing altogether. Still trying to sink in into reality that I'm already a mother of one. Being a wife is one, but a mother? It's a whole new different level. Still learning the art of motherhood & that is putting another person's interest before yourself - in this case, is definitely my son's interest. No matter how tired, no matter how painful, no matter how sick you are...your child comes first.

Agaknya this is how mothers are eh? *tears in eyes*

Oklah oklah, to bring you away from all the sappiness of this entry hehe, Insya'Allah I'll be sharing what I packed in my hospital bag vs what I actually used during my hospital stay & what I bought after I was discharged for baby's needs/postpartum recovery. Hoping it will act as a reference for me next time (masih eh "next time"? Niat tu penting. Hahahahahah) so I don't over/under pack.

Uh-oh, back to #mummyduties to my big boss, Mr. Adriaan Shariq.

Post-natal nightmares

Not sure if there's such a thing. But the process of labour (read: VE) kept coming to me when I sleep. 

So traumatising. :(

I hope one day they will invent some ultrasound machine to check for dilation or something. 

Hais...

Labour Story - Part 2 : What goes on in Room 17?

So where were we? Read more about it here:

Part 1 : Cramps or Contractions?

Warning: Long entry up ahead. Get ready to pop your popcorns!

---

"Room 17. Room 17", as my bed past by a few other nurses.

My head was blank at that moment, still trying to register that I was going into labour.

Upon reaching the bed in Room 17, I was told to transfer over. I think my jubah had some blood stains from the VE done earlier at the triage :/

Changed into my white delivery gown, assisted by an Indian nurse there.

Took a selfie with Mr. J while I endured the (mild) contractions. The nurses in the room were also asking us administrative questions like whether we will be taking home the placenta & will there be any cord blood banking.

We initially didn't know whether to take the placenta home or leave it in the hospital for disposal - we (or Mr. J) ended up taking it home for burial.

I was also asked whether I would like any pain relief for my delivery. My heart was telling me to go all out for labour & don't take in any pain relief - konon nak try ah hahahah. But my mind was telling me, "Kau jangan merepek ah. At least take that gas".

So yep, I opted for the gas.

We took some selfies as the nurses were handling all the administration. Contractions were still bearable at this point. Somehow, it felt like the pain was at level 5 instead of 6-7 as I could still joke around with Mr. J.

At around 10, registrations were complete. We had another very pleasant Chinese Missy with us. Gas was by my side but I chose not to use it still. She taught me how to use the gas effectively; breathe into the equipment until the contraction pain is over, only then I may choose to take off the mask. I asked the nurse whether it's a must to use the gas if I can tolerate it. She told me not necessary, but I can use it as and when I need it.

Ditto.

Tested the gas mask and felt that there was...nothing in it. Hmmmm..... okayyy.

Mr. J also asked the Chinese Missy how long would dilation usually take.

"Usually it will open up 1 cm every other hour. But for first time labour, it might take longer. So it depends".

Both Mr. J and I started looking at the digital clock and did some mental calculations.

5 cm dilated at 9 plus with 5 cm left.
10 plus - 6 cm
11 plus - 7 cm
.
.
.
"Okay, maybe by 2 am or so", we thought.

Few minutes later, she brought me a cup of water to clear my throat and then left the room, leaving me and Mr. J all alone.

At this moment, I recalled I have packed a bottle of Al-Kurma juice and requested Mr. J for it.

"It's in the ziplock with label 'Mummy's Energy Booster'", I told him. Hehe. My OCD self works best at times like these :p

Here he is, with the Al-Kurma bottle lol.

 

I quickly down the bottle while the nurses were out. Heard it's able to give us energy while pushing. So decided to try it out.

At 10.40pm, I told Mr. J that the pain is starting to build up.

"Call the nurse", he reminded me.

I totally forgotten all about the call bell, till he reminded me about it. At this point, I still haven't tried putting on the gas to ease the contraction pain. Gungho konon.

Pressed the bell and the nurses came in.

A Chinese female doctor came in, put on her glove & lather some gel on it. You know what this means right? -.-zzzz"""

VE time. Ugh.

The Chinese Missy told me to put the gas mask on as the VE was being done on me. I started using the gas. Did it help? Of course not. I could still feel my kewanitaan/peranakan being blended and drilled. Oof. >:(

She inserted her fingers down south. It felt much more painful than the one the Senior Nurse at the triage did. I got to know from Mr. J she inserted THREE FINGERS! THREE! Not fun. Totally not fun. I even feel like giving her one good flying kick.

"7 cm already", as she took out her three rotary-machine-blending fingers.

Both Mr. J and I looked at the time, and back at each other.

"Cepatnya, wak".

I was surprised as well. That was fast.

*did some mental calculation again*

"If 10.40pm is 7cm, maybe by 11.40pm, it would reach 9cm."

The Chinese Missy then told me she has already called & informed my gynae Dr. Liu.

"She is on her way here. In the mean time, have your rest. If you feel any pain, call us ok".

They dimmed the lights and left both Mr. J and I to indulge in the romantic atmosphere before labour begins lulz. Really.

I even got Mr. J to check out the CTG scanning graph and he told me that for every 2 boxes, the contractions will come.

I also asked Mr. J to test out the gas mask because I really felt like there was nothing in it.

"Takder pa pe je".
Precisely!

In between this period, some Doctors came in & asked if I still wanted any epidural, I still can ask for it. I was persistent and declined the offer. :/

At about 11.40pm, I think, the contractions were much stronger.

Pressed the call bell & the indian nurse came in. She put on her gloves, lather the gel on and yes, another VE... arghhhhh, why so many rounds of VE ni.

She waited for the contractions to come before she inserted her fingers.

*digs*

"8 cm already". Banyak kau punya 9 cm hahahaha.

"Let's call Dr. Liu in soon", she told her colleague, the Chinese Missy.

She then turned to me and said, "When you feel like passing motion, let us know".

At 11.44 pm, I started feeling the urge to pass motion lol.

In pain & constipated fashion, I went, "I....feeeeel...like.....passsssingggggg.....motioooonnnnnnn"........

The Indian Missy went, "Ok good. Come, you push", as she lifted up my legs.

I started going, "Erkkkkkk......", you know macam nak berak lolololol. But yes, that was how pushing begins.

Time check - 25 Oct 2016, 00:00 hrs

At about 12.05am, Dr. Liu came in. Greeted us with her warm hello, and asked the nurses on my dilation progress.

Since it was still 2 cm away, she left the labour ward shortly and told the nurses she'll come back later.

At 12.40am, the contraction pain was much stronger. This time, I kept using the gas as a distraction, since it didn't really help. -.-zz

Mr. J saw me breathing in and out in the gas, rather quickly & tried to teach me how to use the gas properly.

"You must breathe in slowlyyyy... then it will work".

I was frustrated - stop talking already. Hahahaha.

But of course, I didn't say that to him. :p Every time he tried to teach me how to use it, I used my index finger and gestured him to keep quiet while I breathe in and out. When the pain was going down, I explained to him nicely.

"I need you to encourage me, dear. Say words of encouragement like 'Good job', 'You're doing well' that kind. Don't tell me how to use the gas pleaseeee. That's all I need from you".

Yes, encouragement is really important, dear men. Don't teach a woman on the how-to(s) during active labour. The pain is something you men can't imagine. Really really lol.

Fast forward to 1 am, the Chinese Missy did another check on me. I was about 8 cm but going to 9.

By this time, I already felt the urge to push/pass motion every now and then. But when the pain was low, I had conversations with the Chinese Missy to distract me from all the pain. To tell you the truth, it did kinda help - much better than using the stupid gas mask.

I asked her questions like,

"Why do I feel like passing motion?"
"Because you are ready to push"

"When can I not ask for epidural?"
"When you are already feeling the urge to push, which is about 8-10cm. Because once the epidural has been administered, it will take about an hour for the epidural to wear off. It will sort of slow down labour because the mummy needs to feel the urge to push".

"Can I use the gas when I push?"
She smiled and said, "I don't think you would like to use the gas when you push. You would be so eager to push your baby out".

She then told me that I was brave not to opt for epidural.

"My friend was even brave. She opted for no pain relief".
"But that's your friend, my dear. First child or second?"
"You mean my friend? Second. She said she would like to experience labour pain as she would like to take a pause from pregnancy until the next one."
"Ahhhh usually second labour is much faster. You know, some mums, when they put their mind to it, they are willing to go all out. It's in here (points to her temple). It's all in the mind".

I wanted to continue the pleasant conversations with her because it helped me to relax, but by now, the contractions were much stronger.

My breathing picked up.

I started to recite some supplications to calm myself down but it was wayyyy too painful.

My hands grabbed Mr. J's Man U shirt and pulled him closer. My hands started to hit the sides of the bed. I held the rails of the bed so tight as I screamed my lungs out.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

It's the kind of scream people do when they let off their frustrations at the beach/at an open space. 

Shortly after that, Dr. Liu came in and baby's equipments like its weighing scale, were all wheeled into the labour ward.

"Everyone preparing for the arrival of your baby already", Dr. Liu said, to lighten up the atmosphere. But all I could afford to reply was a dry laughter. Haaa...haaa...haaa...

About 1.30am, I think (didn't bother looking at the time by now), my legs have been lifted up by the Missies to start pushing.

My hands held both my legs, chin down - pressing down on my upper chest and I pushed.

Wasn't allowed to make any "Errrrkkkk" sound. Instead, was told to grit my teeth hard and force allll the strength down at my abdomen. It felt like I was going through a full-dress rehearsal for the first few pushes lol.

Halfway through, Dr. Liu told me that she was going to burst my waterbag and at the exact same time, the Indian Missy went to put me on oxytocin drip.

I could feel the bed getting wet and my contractions coming to me at full force.
Pain level: 10/10

She explained to Mr. J, "Sorry. Not that we are cruel. This oxytocin drip will make the contractions stronger so she can push better".

Everytime I push, Dr. Liu and the 2 Missies went, "Some more, some more, some more", while Mr. J went, "Good job, good job". Hahaha. Remember I told him to motivate me instead of teaching me on the "how-to(s)?" Hahaha.

There were 3 major push during every strong contraction.

At 1.52 am, they told me they already saw the baby's head.

Dr Liu went, "Ehh... Quite long ah the hair".

"Long? Many or little?" English berterabur seh.

"You mean thick or not ah? Hmmm average ah average".

All the more I was more than eager to push and hear the baby's first cries. I even went to count together with them, "1, 2, *pushhhhhhhh*"

The Indian Missy went, "You don't need to count. Let us count", but Dr. Liu intervened and said, "Eh but everytime she count, she actually pushed stronger leh".

"Uhh cz it gives me motivation to start (pushing)" ROFL, really. 

"Oklah, whatever works best for you. First time hear mummy count with us", Dr. Liu and the rest in the room laughed with her.

Dr. Liu then turned to the clock & made her guess on my time of delivery.

"I think.....you'll deliver at 02:05. What time would you like to deliver?"

"Anytime ah anytime". And the whole room laughed. Lol. Duhhhh.....

Dr. Liu and the 2 Missies then explained the contraction pain to Mr. J.

"It's really painful one, you know. I always opt for epidural".
"Yessss, the pain is something you cannot imagine".

Mr. J's reaction was just....a smile. Lol.

So anyway, I started doing more pushes this time round. Instead of 3 strong pushes during each session, I was already doing 4 and 5 major pushes.

"Some more...some more...some more", they motivated me.

Each time my strength started to deplete, I went "Ok stop stop stop, tired, tired". And the whole room laughed again.

"Oklah, stop stop. Let you rest".

The Chinese Missy then took a wet tissue to help me wipe my sweat off so as to freshen myself up.

"Come on, baby. Come out already", I tried to speak to my baby. As though it can hear me already haha.

At 1.58 am, I did my last 5 strong & long pushes. Gave my all. Heard Dr. Liu's scissors went *snip snip*. And felt a gush of weight just went out from me as I heard my baby's first cries.

That's what I have been waiting to hear - Baby's first cries = Pushing's over! *celebrates*

Dr. Liu turned to the clock and it showed, "02:05".

"Eh really leh 02:05! Wah can buy 4D!" Hahah.

My legs turned so soft and tired from all the pushing. I was still shivering.

Dr. Liu then proceeded to deliver my placenta out by pressing my tummy. It was out smoothly. Mr. J explained there were lots of blood :/

They carried my baby up close to me and I took my first look.

"Congratulations.... Please check. It's a boy."

I could only afford a smile, tired (from all the pushing), as I observed him, still crying/wailing out loud.

They took him away for minor cleaning as I requested Mr. J to help me check on all his sifat.

"Tengokkan wak, cukup sifat tak?"

Mr. J was still standing beside me as he took a glance at our baby. He nodded his head and gave me a warm smile.

"Good job, sayang. So brave of you".

They cleaned him up and took his measurements.

"Am I looking sexy in my edited brief?" 
 
He's 2.6kg in weight, 47cm in length. Alhamdulillah.

"Daddy, would you like to take a picture of your baby?" Dr Liu suggested as she started to prepare to stitch me up.

"Go ahead, amek gambar anak kita. I'll be okay here". :)

Dr. Liu injected some anaesthesia to numb me up before she started stitching. Totally felt numb down south. At the same time, the Indian Missy injected my right thigh to relieve my bladder. All happening too fast.

Soon after, they passed me our son to have skin to skin contact. I took a good look at his face, with his eyes opened.

Subhan'Allah. You were inside of me for 38 weeks & 1/8th of 3 days (lol). Is it really you? Hello. <3

Daddy brought himself closer and made his adzan for you. Oh, my soft soft heart..... :') 

Shortly after, they took him to wrap him up in his blue hospital swaddler & then passed him to Daddy to carry. Took some pictures of him with Daddy.

Look at him frowning, "Why are you wearing Man U, Daddy? Man U lost badly the night before lah". Hahaha. Kidding, Daddy.

They then tried asking him to latch. Not really a pleasant experience. The first latch was rather painful. But I tried to tolerate and told myself its for the best.

After a short latching exercise (haha) and nurses were done with all the necessary paperworks, I was asked to transfer to the wheelchair with an inflatable donut for me to sit on.

Before I left, Dr. Liu & Missies were repeatedly telling me that I was brave. Uh huh.....had to brave the storm, right? Hurrr.

Moving on to Ward 81, Bed 17....in Part 3. Insya'Allah :)

P.S:
By the way, I later found out from my sister that the gas mask should emit some sort of "asap (smoke)" emitting out from the mask. I think our tank wasn't switched on -.- No wonder macam tak effective aje. Chet.

In Mr. J's words, "Maybe thats why they keep saying that you very brave eh?" Lolz. What only.

An open letter to you

Today, you're a week old.

Your presence has made us reevaluate our priorities in life. Nowadays, whatever we do, we put you first. 

We time your feeds. We ensure you have enough. We ensure your clothes are always changed. 

Sometimes, we don't even have time for our own food, and change our own clothes. 

The first night when you came home with us, both Mummy and Daddy didn't have our sleep. In short naps, we wonder why you cried. We checked your diaper, we check your clothes, we checked what was it that made you uncomfortable. Wasn't easy. 

Mummy tried to exclusively breastfeed you because they say breastmilk is "liquid gold". I tried my best, but my limited supply made you dehydrated and you suffered a slight loss in weight and a gain in your jaundice level. Because of that, you had to be sent back to KKH for phototherapy. That's when Mummy had her first drop of tears for you - when Mummy saw you under the blue UV light. I felt the kind of love I never knew will ever exist. 

One week later, we kinda knew what's your crying pattern like. You have made it so easy for us. You gave a certain cry when you wanted attention. You gave another type of cry when you're hungry. And your feeding time is every 2 hours. How convenient you have made our lives to be. 

Mummy also learned to change your diapers. Hehe. The first time Mummy helped you to change, Mummy was perspiring all over because you don't like people taking off your clothes. Cold or shy? Haha. But insya'Allah Mummy's getting better at it. :p #pujidiri

Your Daddy has been a great help. He sent you to the polyclinic with your nyai during your third day, and yesterday, single-handedly. Mummy followed the both of you at first, only to be proven that Mummy still has not totally recovered and went home halfway. Mummy do'a that your jaundice level goes down. Indeed it went down, Alhamdulillah. 

Oh, I asked your Daddy, "How is parenting like?" He explained that it's more tiring than working. Awww Daddy, may Allah repay all your efforts to groom our baby <3. Aamiin. 

I hope one day, if this blog ever made it to the age that you'll be able to understand, we want you to know that we love you so so much. 

Love, 

Mummy (and Daddy) 

*kiss