The pregnant monster in me

Today I woke up around 11plus (don't judge please - I have been having insomnia during pregnancy so I turn in late) - stretched my legs only to experience a reallllly bad muscle pull. Yeeeouwchhh! Had to self-massage since Mr. J was at work. :( Felt super hungry and weak almost immediately even though my first meal of the day was right after subuh after Mr. J has left for work. Foodpanda has been my go-to app recently. Looked at all the available food for purchase. Was inclined towards ordering Nene chicken but the minimum order was at least $18. What can I order with $18?! Delivery charge is an additional $3. While deciding, my energy level has reached weaker than weak and I have turned slightly cold turkey-ish. Had to "rush" to the kitchen and poured the Cocopops cereal messy in the bowl together with my fresh meiji milk. One serving wasn't enough. I had two. And a packet of chocolate biscuits. Still feeling hungry now. :/ *inserts cold turkey*

Regret I still have not made myself any frozen lauk. Could have been a saviour at times like this. (Notetoself#1 for next pregnancy perhaps - frozen lauk for 3rd trimester onwards. Or maybe purchase tingkat meals eh? Hee).

My hungry episodes for third trimester is tahap critical. I must ensure I have food and drinks by my side in the room. So whenever I wake up hungry, be it the morning, afternoon or late hours in the night, food and drinks will be readily available within reach. Yes, I've turned to a pregnant monster. I don't know how I'll be when baby's out and I need to breastfeed. Mummies say breastfeeding has turned them to monsters too. :/ Maybe I'll have a pantry of food inventory at a corner in my room eh? That sounds like a good plan. Haha. Gemok jugak aku nanti tau.

But first, before we angan-angan with all the food and pantry dreams, we need to start packing. Yes, pack to move lah. We need to start somewhere. Notetoself#2.

Oh and packing reminds me of the hospital bag. We have packed most of the stuff in "the bag". We will be using the Avent goodie bag that we got from the first breastfeeding class we attended. It's big enough for all my hospital essentials. Notetoself#3: Insya'Allah I will be sharing on the stuff that I pack in my hospital bag in another entry - for the sake of easy reference in the future.

My body is still giving me signals on hunger. Grrr. Gtg and make myself something easy. Oh, baby... Please don't tell me you're a big eater?

Just a last note to self for this entry - You've turned 35 weeks and 5 days as of today. Dah besar anak Mummy/Ibu. :') *rubs tummy & wipes imaginary tears*

Halfway through

At this hour (3.49am local SG time), the heart yearns so very deeply to be back at Mekah - streaming Makkah Live since 12 midnight. Tak tahu tidur.

Mr. J and I had a discussion on this just yesterday on missing to be back at Mekah and when would be the next best time to be there. Looking at our upcoming commitments (read: baby, new home), things are rather tight for us to be back anytime soon. But they say, if there's a will, there's definitely a way insya'Allah - recalling back before we got married, when we decided to perform Umroh Akhir Ramadhan shortly after we got married. Seems rather impossible because wedding takes up a huge spending ticket and Umroh is no less. But Alhamdulillah, Allah finds a way for the both of us, albeit not easy.

I am very willing to work hard and find a way around it, insya'Allah.

Of course, we have to think of who will babysit lil bubs if we decide to make a trip again next year. Personally, bringing a newborn/baby to the Holy Land is a no-no for me as your attention to worship will be greatly reduced, thus defeating the purpose, especially since Umroh is not cheap. To each his own, but I prefer bringing my child when he is much more matured in age. Speaking from my own experience, ahem, going there as a 12 year old and an adult is so much different. I think I might have wasted my mum's money when I went there as a kid cz all I had in mind was "this is a vacation, yeay!" So lesson learned. Of course......We would still bring him/her up properly religiously, which goes without saying lah kan.

On a much lighter note, we have passed 15 days of Ramadhan before we know it & as much as I wanted to fast a full 30 days, I couldn't on 2 days because I was ill. The other days were smooth Alhamdulillah, even though lil bubs got very hungry (I think?) around 4-5pm as he/she seems to be really active during that period, every single day this Ramadhan period. I usually would giggle and talk to him/her, assuring him/her that Mahgrib will come soon. Lol. Mudah-mudahan dia paham lah eh. May Allah make it easy for us mum-to-be(s).

Speaking of which, his/her kicks are much more visible to the eyes, that Mr. J could see with his own eyes the jerks on my tummy and felt the kicks more strongly. The first time he got to feel the kicks, he was really amazed and smiled so wide. He went "Wah!" "Ah tu, tu, tu!" "Dia tendang lagi".....and kissed lil bubs (or my tummy for the matter.........) Entah anak dia tahu tak he/she just got a kiss. Hahahaha.

Happy sigh. Feeling so much love, even though we have yet to physically see you :)

You're 20 weeks this week - which means... We would be able to know your gender soon, insya'Allah. :) Can't wait.

The capital B.

It's been a longggg while since the last update *covers face* and there's one extremely lonnnggg entry seating rotting in my draft, waiting to be completed. Nevertheless, something actually brought me to pen down some thoughts, inspired by a Facebook post from a friend.

Her brother, about the age of 7 (yes, the huge age gap!), came home, all teary eyed, told her that his classmate called him names & snatched his stationaries without his permission.

Bullies in school.

Kinda brought me back to my primary school days (Pri 4 to be exact) where I was told by some "cooler" Malay girls (classmates) to meet them at the school garden, every recess, just so they can hurl vulgarities to me. Me being the selenger one, dengarkan kata and never fail to go there every recess. What was I thinking right! Hahaha. But anyway, I guess, there was once that I had enough. I decided to stand firm and fight back. Me against a whole gang of them. Cey, macam terror. Padahal jantung macam nak tercabut time tu.

So came that fateful day, I told myself "Ok this is it! Niari, kena jawab balik. Tak boleh diam!" So off I went to the school garden and I saw the whole gang of them, standing there, waiting for me - the nerd. Hahaha! I swallowed my saliva while I waited for them to finish their usual antics. After which, I answered, "Korang takder kerja lain eh? Hari-hari datang sini, maki orang. Aku dah penat nak layan korang. Buang masa!" and off I went. There were mixed reactions. They were left speechless, but the look on their faces were priceless! Hahahah. It felt sooo syiok - like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders! I guess, one must learn to find the limit and stop the bullying by yourself (if no one could help that is) at some point of time.

And when I thought bullying was over for me, came secondary school where I was bullied.....again. -.-

If I could recall, it was in Sec 2 where I was bullied by a group of Normal Academic (N.A.) girls. I can't remember what was the trigger point but I remembered once, after recess, where I wanted to go up to the school hall from the canteen to assemble & 3 N.A. girls stopped me at the staircase with their huge boobs, preventing me from going up, lips moving in a motion like they were chewing bubble gums. I went left, they moved to the left. I went right, they moved to the right. And they started laughing at my helpless self. Kurangajar kan. Hahaha. Trust me, macam nak letopkan je tu tetek that time. But anyway, because it was so crowded, they decided to let me go and stared hard at me while I make my way to the hall.

Some other days, they would follow me home from school and really, it was terrifying. I didn't know who to ask help from. There were also days where they would approach me in a "friendly" manner, pretending we were friends, and sit in a circle around me in the school canteen to have some "pep talk" - gangster style. Whenever a teacher approached (due to how rowdy they sound from far), they would pretend we were friends and put their arms around me so that the teacher would not suspect anything. Pandai eh dorang, kecik-kecik dah ada bakat terpendam.

I think I got tired of the bullying too that I went to the staff room and talked to the teacher who saw me together with them. The teacher thought that the group of girls and I were friends, only to be told otherwise. I can't remember what happened after that but eventually, I was safe.

Bullies have scarred me for life and when I read my friend's Facebook post, I had a thought;

What if my child get into a situation like I did?
What if my child get bullied in school?
Will he/she stand up for himself/herself?
Will he/she open up to me?
Will he/she tell his/her teachers?

These thoughts broke my heart. :'(

While the lil one is still inside of me, I can protect him/her from any unforeseen harm insya'Allah. But I am not so sure when he/she is out in this world. A world full of pretence. Full of hatred. Full of envious people.

Ahh... One of the days where I feel so overwhelmed with emotions. Pregnancy hormones huh?

How being pregnant is like

It's been about 3 weeks since my last update.

- I left my job
Don't need to explain much. The company in itself wasn't doing financially well - hence a merger (more like the company was being bought over by a bigger company) was taking place. The owner was having domestic trust issues that he later brought into the office, and got his staffs involved in his domestic affairs #redundant. And of course, when you start bringing in personal matters into the office, you suddenly lost trust in everyone and your micro manage fuel increased to 10 times more than your usual dose. It was getting to me so much so that I decided I shouldn't risk my pregnancy with the unnecessary stress it was causing me. So, I decided it's best I tender my resignation. Best. Decision. Ever. Totally well supported by my family. <3

- I had my check-ups done
Long story short; I contacted KKH & requested for Dr. June Tan, but she was unavailable. So the next gynae on the list would be Dr. Suzanna Sulaiman. Alhamdulillah, she was available, but the first appointment with her would be on the lucky 7th of July. *gasp* I would be about 23 weeks old? Therefore, I was told to do my earlier checks with other gynae and then follow up with her when it comes.

My mum then suggested we do our checks and scans with our family doctor (Female doctor) who studies Ultrasonography as well. Dr. Angela Lim located at Kovan.

2 appointments;
First with my mum whereby the doctor confirmed that I was/am pregnant. :) Dr. Lim also probed the vaginal transducer since I was 5 weeks old then (too early to use the external transducer), to ensure that I wasn't down with another ectopic pregnancy. Alhamdulillah, everything seems normal. There was a sac seen, very much different from my first pregnancy. She told me to come by the moment I reached my 6th as this is when the heartbeat will show - an indication that the baby is growing normally.

I was occupied on my 6th week, so my mum and I dropped by when I just hit 7 weeks old, to check for the heartbeat of the embryo. I was reallllly nervous. I was very much hoping to see a heart beating. Mr. J still couldn't make it since he could not escape from his tight schedule for his course.

This time, Dr. Lim started off immediately with the external transducer and... I saw that tiny little human....with it's heart.....beating. :') I just stared at the TV screen, speechless. Without Dr. Lim pointing out, I could tell. Maybe it's the mother's instinct? "See the middle where it's flickering? That's the heartbeat." I... just...went quiet. I remembered smiling and my heart whispered, "Hello, little one. I'm so happy to see you". And I almost wanted to hug that little tiny love. Kuasa Allah kan :')

Dr. Lim continued explaining that there was also the yolk sac where the baby is getting the nutrients from. It's like a perfect circle very close to the embryo. She also measured the embryo and the size suggested that it was at 6 weeks 4 days. Apparently, it seems normal to be off by a few days, after I watched a few videos of ultrasounds in YouTube. But all should be well, insya'Allah.

I went home telling Mr. J about the experience of seeing its cute little heartbeat, and the first question he asked was, "Tak amek video?" Lol. Sorry dear, I was too focused on the magical moment that no gadgets could distract me then. Yes, it felt *magical*.

- Food cravings
In chronological order ever since my pregnancy:
- Chicken Chop
- Cornflakes with cold fresh Meiji milk
- Curry Keema
- Thosai (I finished 2 sets because I was craving so badly for this one)
- Jambu air

- Food aversions
- I cannot eat anything melayu (ni anak either darah omputih or darah indian sikit-sikit cz I can only eat anything western/italian/indian)
- I cannot eat fish
- I cannot eat banana
- I cannot eat anything oat-ish
- I cannot eat anything tofu-ish

However, despite all the food aversion..... (this I MUST celebrate,) I do not suffer from morning sickness. *throws confetti* Alhamdulillah. The closest I get was gagging at the smell/sight of these food. The only time I threw up was when I felt so bloated, that I threw up all the water I drank that night. Lol.

- Vivid dreams
I keep having clear vivid dreams that I can't explain. It's so real that sometimes I talk in my sleep, and realised that my mouth actually utter those words halfway when I wake up from the dream. I mean it's okay when you have these dreams at night, at home, where only your husband gets disturbed by your dreams/nightmares :p, but definitely embarrassing when you have these dreams in public.

Being pregnant makes you feel very tired, especially in a moving vehicle. I don't know why. You fall asleep faster and then the dream starts. There was once, I dozed off in the bus and I was seated in the long seats where we face other commuters across our seats. I started having my vivid dreams and almost started doing weird hand gestures - lucky thing, I realised it as soon as I can and jolted out from my sleep. Lucky I did not start talking.

These are the few experiences I have being pregnant so far. According to the "What to Expect" app that I have downloaded, I'm currently at Week 8, Day 2 and the baby is as big as a Raspberry (1.3cm long). Grow well, dear you. I will always pray for your well being, insya'Allah <3

I will end my entry with an ultrasound clip I borrowed from another mum's youtube channel below:

Too early too late

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, we don't know what to expect, but we keep on hoping anyway. Here's an account of my "hope".

21 February 2016:
Mr. J and I went out for Airshow 2016 and we I dropped by Guardian after that to get a home pregnancy test (HPT) kit. I always told myself not to "test", lest I'll be disappointed. But we bought anyway. There was a promotion going on for $5.20 for 2 HPT kits from Guardian. Seems like the pocket wont hurt if (naudzubillah min dzalik), I'm not pregnant this time round. We grabbed.

22 February 2016:
Tonight, I couldn't sleep, but I forced myself to. I had the urge to take a sample test and see the results. But I calmed myself and felt assured that it could still be too early to test.

23 February 2016 (Test Day):
Wee hours in the morning, shortly after Mr. J has woken up from his sleep to study for his exam course, I woke up too. I waited for him to leave the room and I quickly went straight to my drawer to dig out the HPT kit. I then went to the washroom and tested.
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One line. :(

As with other earlier months, I took the foil, inserted the soiled HPT kit and wrapped it nicely before I disposed it off without Mr. J's knowledge.

I went to Mr. J, hugged him and cried....as usual. I told him that I tested and it's negative.......

He assured me that it's okay.........not okay though. But I stopped crying after a while and redha that this month is not the month yet.

Later that morning, I got a text from an ex-BTB turned friend (F), asking me if today's the day (to test). Told her I did and that it was negative. She told me that it could be too early to test since hers only showed a positive result after 2 weeks of missed period.

So, I thought maybe there's hope, insya'Allah.

24 February 2016:
I woke up with no visits from Aunt Flo (AF) yet. I don't know if I should test one more time. But I'll guess, I'll just wait...

25 February 2016:
I'm officially 2 days late. This morning, I took the other HPT kit for a test and it showed me...
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Another negative.

What's happening to meh?!

My kiasu-ism led me to text F (friend stated above) and the other friend whom recommended me the masseuse the other time (lady S) that early morning. I suddenly felt paranoid that the massage I had, might cause a delay in my period, than resulting into a pregnancy. F told me that hers wasn't delayed and S told me that hers is usually delayed. At least, I do know that F is a regular like me, so it sort of helped?

S then asked me the brand I used to test as she said cheaper brand(s) doesn't work as accurate as Clearblue. She tested using Clearblue and it showed a positive. As kiasu as all mums-to-be/TTC ladies, she also tried purchasing another one after that, but cheaper, and it showed a negative. She said some kits can't detect early pregnancies. :O Wow, price and branding does make a difference huh? Her cheap one was going for $10 a kit; mine's half the price of hers. lololol. Oh, budget me!

Anyway, seeing that I do not have the time and luxury to purchase a Clearblue HPT kit since I'm not located anywhere near a Watson/Guardian store, I'll just leave it until the weekend. I'll monitor as well if Aunt Flo's comes for a visit - HOPE NOT!

If you ask me, at this stage, I do not have any pregnancy symptoms. A week before my cycle is due, I did have a continuous migrane, but I guess it's not related? So, I don't take that it's counted. Other than that, feeling of nauseous at the same time was on and off since I have a lot of angin/wind in my body. So it's not realllly related as well. Well, we'll see how this goes :)

25 February 2016 (Part 2 of the day):
Applied an urgent half day leave as I was feeling rather unwell at work. Thought it'll be good to drop by Watson located at NEX and get myself checked with a kit from Clearblue.

Was preeeetty nervous.

Didn't feel the need to relief myself after I got home, so I drank a few glasses of water and slept it off. Woke up about 2 hours later from my nap, tore away the plastic wrapping, rushed to the restroom to test.
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It seemed like a realllllly faint positive (or was it a negative?) Stared really closely and ahhh, took the box and stuffed it in back into the box. By this time, I was having mixed signals.  I did/do not have the symptoms of Aunt Flo's coming for a visit, nor do I experience any pregnancy-like symptoms. I also do not experience a breakout unlike the past months where I will break out like I just reached puberty. I woke up with a warmer body in the morning that Mr. J thought I was running a slightly high temperature. I feel the same way sometimes. Which reminds me; S told me that a basal thermometer would work too. According to her, the temperature of your body should slightly increase each day when you test it in the morning right after you wake up. The increase in the temperature would mean that it's possible that I'm pregnant.

Went to do some reading & I find this pretty interesting:


Source

Some understandings with regards to this whole faint-line-on-pregnancy-kit episode:
- It could mean that you ovulated much later than the average 14 days normal ovulation reading.
- It could mean that you test it during a later part of the day, where your urine is diluted as compared to the the first urine in the morning after you wake up - hcG level is much higher then.
- Worst come to worst, it could also mean that your hcG level is too low and it could result in a non-viable pregnancy (Naudzubillah min dzalik). :( Whatever it is, I should remain positive.

Maybe I shall monitor some more.

Banyak do'a dear me.

27 February 2016:
Mr. J and I went to buy the twin set of Clearblue HPT as I was planning to test it by the end of my supposed menstrual cycle, and the week after, if the faint line still making it's appearance.

29 February 2016 (7 days after Test Day):
Woke up to the sound of Mr. J waking up at 5, revising for his course. I was still feeling groggy, but I felt the need to pee. Quickly went to the HPT box, and took it to the washroom.

I can't seem to tear the plastic apart. My heart was pounding furiously.

When I finally got it torn apart, my heart whispered, "Please Ya Allah. Berilah petunjuk kepada kami. Kalau saya mengandung, berilah tanda-tanda yang jelas". I sat down, peed and waited...while my heartbeat started to raise.

The test window started to shade...
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"Please, please, please".... my heart begged.













Out came a +. It was a positive. I remembered staring at it in disbelief and almost blurted out an Alhamdulillah, while still seated on the toilet bowl. Tak senonoh.

I cleaned myself up and figured a way to let Mr. J know.

[Background: Prior to this date, wayyy back before I'm supposed to have my period, he has been asking me when is my period due. Macam tahuuu je.]

So, in a way, I can't surprise him since he has been very involved in this whole testing thing. Hmph. Nevertheless, I went to him and told him, "It's time to get me a new comfortable bed", and placed the test kit right in front of him.

His eyes widened as he took the kit and looked at it. Smiled to me and said Alhamdulillah, hugging me so tightly after that. I started tearing... Both of us have been waiting for this day to come.

Syukur sangat sangat.

I *should* be 5 weeks pregnant? According to the estimated calculations done over the net.

Now now, I do have a number of shortlisted female Gynaes I have in mind under KKH:

1. Dr June Tan
2. Dr Suzanna Sulaiman
3. Dr Tan Kim Teng

Hopefully, there's slots for any of the three above.

But before that, insya'Allah will do some "formal" checks to confirm.