May we be given strength to go through this

As we make our way to the hospital now (yes, I am blogging through my phone #catchingup), I just wanna say how amazed I am with my husband at times.

It doesn’t matter when he comes home from work. Be it after his day or night shift, he will make it a point to call his Mum and ask about her well being or rest for a while and make his way to the hospital just to accompany her and give her the support she needs.

I can tell how tired he is at times, but to him, being tired is not his priority as long as he gets to spend as much time as he can with his Mum. Such an amazing man you are. I am not sure if I can have such strength to go through that.

Sometimes, when his Mum is back at her home, he will ask what she feels like eating and will go and buy it for her right after his night shift and ensure she gets to eat well.

The love he has for his Mum. :’)

I have to admit that as much as I need his attention during this pregnancy (pregnancy is not easy ya), I have to understand and brave through this period. There are times where I have to be left alone at home, managing Adriaan while he is out at the hospital, accompanying his mum. There is this particular period where Adriaan was down with diarrhoea for about 3 weeks and that would mean changing of his diapers about 8-10 times a day. It was nightmare because everytime I bend down to change his diaper, my tummy would hurt a little, because I can’t squat due to my condition. Nevertheless, it had to be done anyway.

I pray that Allah will grant us strength to go through this difficult period and recovery for my mother in law. In addition, I pray that Allah grant my husband His Highest Paradise for all the things that he does for his mum. Not everyone is willing to do what he does. And for that, I really respect this man a lot. <3

Thank you Allah for loaning this man to be my husband.

How do you see yourself in 1/3/5 years' time?

A question I don't like answering when it's thrown to me. I don't even know what to eat later tonight or even tomorrow. So something that is a year or more, is something I don't like to think about.

But something made me thought about it this morning.

After being in this small business, I have seen myself from nothing to at least something worth recognizing for myself (at this point, I don't need others to recognize me yet. It's important for me to recognize myself first).

Disclaimer: This post is never intended to bring anyone down but to share on the setbacks I've faced and maybe as a reflection for me to understand how I can further improve the processes.

It all started with wanting to try and do something different for myself, which is why I thought of starting this business. There was once a fear, but that fear slowly faded away with time and I've grown more confident over time.

Initially, the business plan was to have a partnership with my siblings because one of them had ambitions to go into the same industry as me. But things didn't work out because although the interest is the same, the way we work, is very different. 

My sister is a more terjun-botol kind of person and then can suddenly decide to do something totally different the next day. There is zero consistency and planning. This is fine for someone who works the same way with her. But for me, I am the more careful kind where I'll start small and slowly build my portfolio from there. It's much safer and if I make any losses, it wont be much.

My sister's plan was to do up a waffle ice cream live station for weddings and also the full scale decor. Huge huge ambition. We suggested to her to start with something small first like an in house dais - to you know, test the comfortability and even make use of one of our houses to do up a pelamin to trial and error, but we later found out that she already terjun botol and started buying ice cream glass panels (you know those big ones macam nak bukak kedai ice cream), and a huge 20ft wooden backdrop panel and 4 acrylic platforms for the dais.

Guess who collected those huge things on her behalf? Me. While she was suddenly away on a holiday during the delivery day of the items. -.- *slow claps

Guess where those things ended up? At my mum's place - rotting away. Sheesh.

And right now, she's suddenly into photography, logo designing and sampul raya designing.

Looking at how she work, and how I work = we both can't be in the same company. 

So things got a bit ugly halfway and the whole predicament ended there and then. She quietly opened her own company (that does the whole photography, logo designing and sampul raya thingy) - which I didn't know of, but I was told by my kakak about it. I just gave her my best of wishes in my heart and hope for the best for her.

Right now, there's only my husband and I running our small company. I am on the PR & Admin and the Creative department whereas my husband is on the delivery side and logistics side. I'll accompany him for delivery because an aspect of the delivery side is the PR where I've to explain to my clients on their items and our items.

Few months' back, I thought of expanding my business further and include bunga rampai into our packages. This is where I decided to rope my other sister in. She has the flair of becoming a florist one day, so I believe this was a great starting point for her.

However, as much as she has this creative side of things, out of the 4 times that we have done bunga rampai so far, I had to help her out in 3 because she couldn't finish it on time and that delayed our delivery deadline. It doesn't reflect well and something has to be improved.

I kept on emphasizing on the importance of amanah/trust and fulfilling ones' obligations especially when it involves receiving money from others. People are paying for it and we must deliver. But sadly, I think it doesn't come across as that important to her...maybe not yet. Maybe she doesn't see the seriousness of it yet because she has yet to meet any demanding clients. Again, this taught me another lesson that as much as one can be your sibling and also has the flair of doing something nice out of something, it doesn't mean he/she share the same kind of passion as you. :(

To do list: Another pep talk sesh coming up.

Sigh.

Business is not as easy as it seems. You have to juggle internally (your partners, and for some - employee and staff) and also externally (suppliers and clients). At the same time, manage my role as a wife and a mum to my kid(s). 

Even though I am nowhere veryyyyy near the limelight, I believe I want to grow something out of this someday. Insya'Allah.

Do'akan! <3

Rezeki milik Allah

Woke up this morning with a thought that has been lingering on my mind since last night.... (or maybe the last few nights but I haven't gotten the chance to pen it down).

Both of us have been rather tight with our finances these days but Alhamdulillah, we tried to manage it in a way possible for us to live through the days.

There are days we find ourselves not being able to eat outside and then we remembered my mum gave us some paste she bought so that cooking is made relatively easier for me. And then I also had my lovely friends who gifted us with AMGD passes, which helped us too.

It's tough, I have to admit. especially when money is a critical tool in this time of age.

At times, my clients delayyyy their payment, but we still have to deliver it to them (because majlis orang.......), and trust that they will pay.......someday. It's difficult to have that trust, because some may "forget" about paying..... and we are here left waiting. (How can one forget paying something that is owed to others eh? Sigh). Have to learn how to manage this one. It's not easy having to send messages to someone for something that THEY owe you. It's very naggy, but someone gotta do it. Orang kata "dah macam kerja tailong". 

But having said that, our rezeki (or sustenance) didn't come to us as a form of money, for now, but at least it comes in other forms:

- Family

- Rezeki anak

- Rezeki ada rumah untuk tinggal

- Rezeki makanan (no matter how financially tight we are, Allah cukupkan with food on the table for us. This, I find amazing. Alhamdulillah Syukur).

- Rezeki kawan, walaupun I don't have many of them, but the count of them are really amazing friends

I guess I have also come to realise that it is hikmah too that I wasn't given a job because the initial plan was to have our MIL to take care of our son, while I go to work. But Allah is The Best of Planners. Indeed there was a reason that He doesn't allow me to go to work; MIL was diagnosed with cancer and of course, who else would be the better person to look after my son other than myself?

It is not at all that bad. Yes, being an SAHM is tough. There are days you get mad, slightly depressed and all, hahahha... but at least you get to witness the every milestone of your child. 

It's amazing, Masya'Allah. 

Indeed, rezeki itu milikNya Allah. We just gotta have faith and husnudzonbillah (sangka baik dengan Allah) and everything will eventually make sense and fall into place. ♥

Financing our upcoming home: Part 5 - Key collection (part ii)

So, as per the last entry on my key collection on last Oct 2016 that unfortunately/fortunately did not happened, here we are again at Part Deux of the key collection. If you would like to recall the whole 5 parts, click below:

- Financing our upcoming home: Part 1 - The harsh reality
- Financing our upcoming home: Part 2 - The headache
- Financing our upcoming home: Part 3 - Finding solutions
- Financing our upcoming home: Part 4 - Executing the solution
- Financing our upcoming home: Part 5 - Key collection

If you could recall from my other entry here, HDB only gave us a deferment of only a month after our appeal in November >> 20 Dec 2016. Any later than that, we will have to pay a penalty of (a very nice figure) $2,112 every month until we collect the keys. *shrug shoulders*

Along with the appeal for the deferment of the key collection date, we also received a letter from HDB to reassess the loan according to Mr. J's current salary back then. We thought we do not need to submit the "new" HDB loan form because I still do not have a job. Until the same letter on the deferment mentioned that they would need us to submit the documents (my statutory declaration stating that I'm not working, Mr. J's salary slips and other documents that I can't recall - hey, it's been 6 months since. lol). If they do not receive the documents, they will take it as we do not need the loan.

And so we did as told, and waited.

Our initial HDB Loan amount was around $264K when the both of us were working back in year 2014.
The new HDB Loan amount granted to us after the reassessment was $244K, with only Mr. J's income.
*The figures of the loan has been rounded up/down to protect the confidentiality. 

So we were somewhat still short of money? But it's considered still better than nothing, right? *staying positive*

We calculated and had to dig up our savings that was meant for the house renovation (dry laugh) to pay for the shortfall in cash. :')

Went to the bank and did a cashier's order of whatever the amount we thought we needed to pay HDB.

>>> Fast forward to 20 Dec 2016 >>>

Nervous.

We were worried we couldn't collect our keys - AGAIN. Once bitten, twice shy you know?

I recalled Mr. J making a remark, "Ni kalau tak dapat jugak, dah. Kita give up sudah". Haha. I could somehow sense he was tired with the drama already. But of course, we went into the sales office with lots of do'a, in hopes that we could really really get to collect the keys.

We walked in, and was greeted by a nice kakak Sales Officer, who had our documents, looked at our current CPF balance through her monitor, her calculator and stationery all laid out nicely on her desk.

Mr. J and I threw glances at each other - nervous of the outcome.

She asked to confirm, "Suhailah is currently not working, am I right?" something along those lines. We nodded our head.

She did her calculations.

After she keyed into the system, she keyed into her calculator and showed us the shortfall that we have to pay in cash.

Dang! We were still short of about SGD 1.2K. :O #cuakinprogress

We did not factor in the miscellaneous cost like Stamp fee, Registration Fee, Survey Fee and all the fees yang sewaktu dengannya. *hides face*

"Ermmm... Macam mana eh kalau cashier's ordernya tak cukup?"
"The balance can be topped up by cash".

Phew!

Mr. J then called his helpline (his brother kekeke) for help to transfer some funds and once Mr. J receives his upcoming salary the next day, he'll transfer the funds back to his brother.

Settled the payment. Followed the instructions of going to the different levels to open up our SP Services account and get our home insurance by Etiqa.

And finally, back to the sales office room where we were handed THE KEYSSSS!!!

YES, WE FINALLY RECEIVED THE KEYS IN OUR HANDS!!!

We breathed a huge sigh of relief and went "ALHAMDULILLAHHHH" when the kakak passed the set of keys to us. She smiled and said "Tahniah!" :)

Wow.

Just. Wow.

It was definitely a challenging phase for the both of us just to get to where we were - at that moment!

The stress, the anger, the heading down to MP to appeal along with my big bump, the disappointment when I still couldn't get a job...

All that. Wow.

Really is a test Allah put us through. And I'm glad we got over that phase.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

To recall that phase again as I'm typing this very entry, makes me feel more assured that if the both of us can go through such a tough time like that together, insya'Allah we can go through anything together.

Alhamdulillah :)

What a timing

This isn't helping at all.

Received a letter from HDB yesterday (after an appeal made to our MP last month) that they only allow us up to 20th Dec next month for the next key collection date. Failing which, will cost us $2,112 every month after that as a penalty cost.

Seriously?

I'm already having trouble trying to direct latch Adriaan recently. Somehow, I feel my supply has dipped. Not sure what is causing it - stress or not eating proper or both.

Tired beyond words.

Sometimes, I just feel like switching to FM and deny him all the goodness of "liquid gold" that everyone talks about. It's more costly, but so much easier. I don't have to deal with latching him every hour, I don't have to deal with cracked & sore nipples. I don't have to deal with pumping anymore. But that's just selfish. And with the stress with regards to our home mortgage, really, it's not helping at all.

Kinda hate being in my own shoes right now. Sigh.

*resumes looking for jobs*

Someone, just hire me please? #desperate

Parenting: My favourite child

Having grown up in an environment where favouritism is evident (yes, clearly spoken), makes me wonder whether I'll be the same next time.

I'm not a parent of one yet, so I can't speak for two (or more). But it does make me wonder. Even though we always hear parents say, "I love my children all the same", but is it really? How many times do we observe & notice how different the kind of treatment each child receive from our parents? Or say from other parents who has young children?

Eg.
Child A shows tantrum, parent reprimands.
Child B shows tantrum, same, if not worst, parent keeps quiet.

And then there's also an argument raised that the reason the treatment(s) is/are different is due to the fact that not all children are the same - aligning all our fingers altogether; they are not of the same length. Every child is different.

Eg.
If we reprimand Child A, the child might understand the seriousness of it & don't do it again.
If we use the same technique on Child B, the child might be more rebellious. Hence, this technique doesn't work on the child. A friendlier approach works better.

Is this how parenting works?

But how would Child A then feel on the different treatment he/she receives?

He/She might start to develop ill-feelings towards his/her sibling & start to feel that the parents are not being fair.

Farfetched huh? Belum give birth, dah fikir macam-macam. Lol.

Had a discussion with Mr. J on this and he said, "Alaa kita just redha, and accept life as it is".

So I guess....at the end of the day, the child has to learn and adopt this (matured) mentality someday and redha that life is just as it is huh? Haha.

Well, let's just say I'll experience it myself first hand in the future when I have two (or more) of my own. Insya'Allah.

But seriously though, just curious: Do all parents have a favourite child secretly? Hmmm...

The capital B.

It's been a longggg while since the last update *covers face* and there's one extremely lonnnggg entry seating rotting in my draft, waiting to be completed. Nevertheless, something actually brought me to pen down some thoughts, inspired by a Facebook post from a friend.

Her brother, about the age of 7 (yes, the huge age gap!), came home, all teary eyed, told her that his classmate called him names & snatched his stationaries without his permission.

Bullies in school.

Kinda brought me back to my primary school days (Pri 4 to be exact) where I was told by some "cooler" Malay girls (classmates) to meet them at the school garden, every recess, just so they can hurl vulgarities to me. Me being the selenger one, dengarkan kata and never fail to go there every recess. What was I thinking right! Hahaha. But anyway, I guess, there was once that I had enough. I decided to stand firm and fight back. Me against a whole gang of them. Cey, macam terror. Padahal jantung macam nak tercabut time tu.

So came that fateful day, I told myself "Ok this is it! Niari, kena jawab balik. Tak boleh diam!" So off I went to the school garden and I saw the whole gang of them, standing there, waiting for me - the nerd. Hahaha! I swallowed my saliva while I waited for them to finish their usual antics. After which, I answered, "Korang takder kerja lain eh? Hari-hari datang sini, maki orang. Aku dah penat nak layan korang. Buang masa!" and off I went. There were mixed reactions. They were left speechless, but the look on their faces were priceless! Hahahah. It felt sooo syiok - like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders! I guess, one must learn to find the limit and stop the bullying by yourself (if no one could help that is) at some point of time.

And when I thought bullying was over for me, came secondary school where I was bullied.....again. -.-

If I could recall, it was in Sec 2 where I was bullied by a group of Normal Academic (N.A.) girls. I can't remember what was the trigger point but I remembered once, after recess, where I wanted to go up to the school hall from the canteen to assemble & 3 N.A. girls stopped me at the staircase with their huge boobs, preventing me from going up, lips moving in a motion like they were chewing bubble gums. I went left, they moved to the left. I went right, they moved to the right. And they started laughing at my helpless self. Kurangajar kan. Hahaha. Trust me, macam nak letopkan je tu tetek that time. But anyway, because it was so crowded, they decided to let me go and stared hard at me while I make my way to the hall.

Some other days, they would follow me home from school and really, it was terrifying. I didn't know who to ask help from. There were also days where they would approach me in a "friendly" manner, pretending we were friends, and sit in a circle around me in the school canteen to have some "pep talk" - gangster style. Whenever a teacher approached (due to how rowdy they sound from far), they would pretend we were friends and put their arms around me so that the teacher would not suspect anything. Pandai eh dorang, kecik-kecik dah ada bakat terpendam.

I think I got tired of the bullying too that I went to the staff room and talked to the teacher who saw me together with them. The teacher thought that the group of girls and I were friends, only to be told otherwise. I can't remember what happened after that but eventually, I was safe.

Bullies have scarred me for life and when I read my friend's Facebook post, I had a thought;

What if my child get into a situation like I did?
What if my child get bullied in school?
Will he/she stand up for himself/herself?
Will he/she open up to me?
Will he/she tell his/her teachers?

These thoughts broke my heart. :'(

While the lil one is still inside of me, I can protect him/her from any unforeseen harm insya'Allah. But I am not so sure when he/she is out in this world. A world full of pretence. Full of hatred. Full of envious people.

Ahh... One of the days where I feel so overwhelmed with emotions. Pregnancy hormones huh?

Private hour(s)

When its the lunch hour but you stayed in the office as you are weak to go for lunch but your boss thinks you're a hardworking staff, so he asks you work related matters during your lunch hour.

...

Sometimes, I feel like putting on a mask over my face which writes, "LUNCH HOUR - PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB!".

Annoying.

Why can't you see that it's the lunch hour?

Sometimes worst, he texts us very late at night (10pm, past midnight, 3 in the morning) for work related matters. You may not have a life, but we do. So, cut us some slack. We work for 8.5hrs from Monday to Friday; it is enough.